Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Ekh]

When people ask, "Lived around here all your life?", my favorite answer is "Nope, not yet!"

Bert and I used that one around 1960

 

[phonetrbl]

A friend of mine told her story, she has a prosthetic leg, uses a walker and was in the checkout line with a large bag of dogfood. A lady behind her asked, "Oh, do you have a dog?" Becky (not her real name) replied sweetly, "actually no, I am on the new Purina One diet. You just put a few pieces of dog food in your pockets as you go about your day, and when you feel hungry, you just pop a couple in your mouth and munch away." The lady was intrigued, "does it work?" Becky says, "well you have to be careful, I had a serious accident the last time I was on the diet." The lady asked, "what happened?" Becky replied, " well I was walking down the street and saw a poodle, bent over to sniff her ass, and was hit by a car, that is how I lost my leg." The lady was aghast, and the rest of the people in line were laughing their collective arses off.

 

[Ty]

This one was thought of off the cuff by my daughter while watching The Santa Clause".

Hey, it just occurred to me that the tensile strength of tinsel is, well, one.

 

[Ekh]

Alas, neither of my daughters would know tensile strength from peanut brittle, although one of them actually aced three organic chemistry courses in a row (and now is a waitress).

 

[Karnaj]

Alas, neither of my daughters would know tensile strength from peanut brittle, although one of them actually aced three organic chemistry courses in a row (and now is a waitress).

At least she has the best idea of how the salads are made

 

[Frim]

Alas, neither of my daughters would know tensile strength from peanut brittle, although one of them actually aced three organic chemistry courses in a row (and now is a waitress).

That is a significant plus. She probably knows what she is serving. There is still hope for a management/owner job.

 

[Coss]

Jack and Paul, two hard-core prisoners in the penitentiary, were talking.
Jack said, "I’ve got two tickets for the warden’s ball."
"Do you want to buy one?"

"No thanks mate."
"I can’t dance," said Paul.




"It’s not a dance, it’s a raffle!" said Jack.

 

[Coss]

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.

"Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly!"

 

[Ekh]

That is a significant plus. She probably knows what she is serving. There is still hope for a management/owner job.

She also has a degree in diabetics, which she has no desire to use.

 

[ross]

I ran into a media savvy hooker the other day, she said 'why don't you come over to myspace, I'll google your yahoo and you can twitter all over my facebook.