Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Mel]

Wife, "After I die will you remarry?"
Husband, "I guess, probably."
"Will you let her sleep in 'our' bed?"
"I guess, probably."
"Will you let her wear my clothes?"
"I guess, probably."
"Will you let her use my golf clubs?"
"No, absolutely not!"
"Why not?"
"She's left handed!"

 

[Interested]

- Friend : Do you sleep with a fan? Me : I'd say my wife kind of likes me but "fan" is pushing it. - Her : I told him I wanted to walk down the aisle. He sent me grocery shopping. - One of the main parts of being a dad or husband is just waiting in the car. - Wife : I bet he's thinking about other women. Me : Why is Batman one word , Iron Man is two words , and Spider-Man is two words with a dash? - Purchased a deodorant stick today. The instructions say "remove cap and push up bottom." I can hardly walk but when I fart , the room smells lovely. - I decided to take up fencing. The neighbor insists I put it back. - A lot of women complain their husbands never listen to them. I'm proud to say I've never heard my wife say that. - It's okay to be wrong sometimes. I wouldn't know what that's like but I'm sure it's okay.

 

[Sonoran Sam]

This is an old one... sorry it it has already been posted.

 

[Coss]

Jokes? OH Boy!! I have a few I've been sitting on.

#1 My friend thinks he’s smart.
He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry.

1A So, I threw a coconut in his face.

#2 What do you call an incestuous nephew?

2A An aunt-eater.

#3 A drunk guy was walking down the street, and he sees this nun.

He runs over and knocks her down and says,

3A "You don't feel so tough now do you Batman?"

#4 Two nuns go into a liquor store and ask for a fifth of Jack Daniels. The clerk looks stun and says, "It is unusual to see nuns buying liquor."

The nuns say, "It is for Mother Superiors constipation." The clerk seems ok with it so he sells them the fifth of liquor. Several hours later he closes the store and after walking a couple of blocks on his way home, he sees the two nuns laying in the gutter drunken than a skunk.

He exclaims, "I thought you said it was for Mother Superior’s constipation?"

4A The nuns replied, "It is, because when she sees us piss drunk, she is going to shit!"

That's all that I have go this evening, enjoy, and don't forget Thanksgiving is a time for giving Thanks.

Peace-out, take it easy, and be cool!!

 

[LillyMayPatterson #1685 & #5648]

Peace-out, take it easy, and be cool!! And Celebrate!

 

[Ty]

Why did Susie fall off the swing? She had no arms!

What's the difference between LIGHT and HARD? I can sleep with a LIGHT on!

What's the difference between Jelly and Jam? I can't Jelly my D!@k in your eye!

Knock Knock!
- Who's there?
Not Susie!

 

[Ty]

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink, as the man is sucking down the drink he looks over and notices a dog licking his nuts.

The man thought nothing of it and orders another drink. Time goes by and the man notices the dog still licking his balls. So the man looks at the bartender and says, "Man, I wish I could do that...”

The bartender looks at the man and says, "Go ahead, he doesn't bite." .........................................................

LOL... When I first read that, I thought the dog was licking the Man's balls! "...and notices a dog licking it's balls" would have made that more clear but maybe not as funny for me. I mean, who wouldn't notice if a dog was licking their balls?

 

[Ty]

Scottish Bar.
Enter McGreggor.

Whatcha be havin?

Give me 6 pints, O'Malley

After about 5 pints, O'Malley goes back to Mcgreggor.

I've nevva seen ya drink this much. What's gotcha goin on?

Aye. I built me own house with me own hands. Do they call me Mcgreggor the house builder? No, they don't.

I built me own fence with me own hands. Do they call me Mcgreggor the fence builder? No, they don't.

But, ya fook one goat...