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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
Ty
Elio Addict
A father and his 6-year-old son walk into a bank.
When they get in line the son notices the very large woman in front of them.
The son tugs at the dad’s jacket and says, "Daddy, look!
That lady is huge!"
The father replies, "Yes son, she's as big as a truck."
About a minute later the large woman’s cell phone goes off.
The ring tone more resembles a beeping sound.
The kid pushes his father out of the way and yells, "Look out dad! She's backing up!"
When they get in line the son notices the very large woman in front of them.
The son tugs at the dad’s jacket and says, "Daddy, look!
That lady is huge!"
The father replies, "Yes son, she's as big as a truck."
About a minute later the large woman’s cell phone goes off.
The ring tone more resembles a beeping sound.
The kid pushes his father out of the way and yells, "Look out dad! She's backing up!"
Trusting
Elio Addict
A sadist and a masochist met on the street. The masochist says "Hit me!", the sadist says "I won't.".
Other day I bought some powdered water. Can't figure out what to add.....
I live at the end of a dead end street. It's one way.
Other day I bought some powdered water. Can't figure out what to add.....
I live at the end of a dead end street. It's one way.
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, and then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, “You need a piece of tail.”
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, “Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.”
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, and then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, “You need a piece of tail.”
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, “Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.”
An elderly couple goes to bed.
After a few minutes, the old man cuts a fart and says, "seven points." a few minutes later, the wife lets one rip and says, "touchdown! Tie score."
So the old man blasts another and says, "tied! I'm ahead 14 to seven." the wife again breaks wind and says, "It's good! Tie game."
The old geezer tries but can't muster another fart.
He waits a few moments and then decides to give it everything he's got, but there's an awful wet sound.
The wife asks, "What the hell was that?"
Old man says "halftime; switch sides."
After a few minutes, the old man cuts a fart and says, "seven points." a few minutes later, the wife lets one rip and says, "touchdown! Tie score."
So the old man blasts another and says, "tied! I'm ahead 14 to seven." the wife again breaks wind and says, "It's good! Tie game."
The old geezer tries but can't muster another fart.
He waits a few moments and then decides to give it everything he's got, but there's an awful wet sound.
The wife asks, "What the hell was that?"
Old man says "halftime; switch sides."
Little Johnny attends a horse auction with his father.
He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses’ legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asks, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
"Because when I’m buying horses, I first have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape.”
Johnny, looking worried, says, “Dad, I think the gardener wants to buy Mom.”
He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses’ legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asks, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
"Because when I’m buying horses, I first have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape.”
Johnny, looking worried, says, “Dad, I think the gardener wants to buy Mom.”
Sometimes real life is funny on its own.
This takes place in Florida:
It's not an easy thing to run yourself over with your own vehicle, but one Florida man figured out how to do it, and not surprisingly, it involved a large amount of alcohol (alleged, but who are we kidding).
The Florida Highway Patrol released surveillance footage showing William Edwards, 28, leaving the Dancer's Royale strip club in Orlando about 2:15 a.m. and getting into his Ford pickup truck.
Club security said they tried to stop Edwards, a regular at the club, from driving because he had been drinking heavily.
The footage shows Edwards start to drive away with the door of the pickup ajar, but he quickly falls out the door and the truck runs over his leg.
The FHP said Edwards, apparently uninjured, ran away from the scene as the pickup truck rolled down the street, hit a ditch and rammed into a nearby home.
Adrean Larrea said his mother was sleeping in the home when the truck crashed into her room. She suffered minor injuries but did not require medical attention.
"If that ditch wasn't there, my mom would be in a funeral right now, underground," Larrea told local news. "They had to break the window to get in to turn off the car because the car was smoking."
Investigators said they contacted Edwards, who left his driver's license at the club, and he turned himself in. He is facing a charge of leaving the scene of a crash.
This takes place in Florida:
It's not an easy thing to run yourself over with your own vehicle, but one Florida man figured out how to do it, and not surprisingly, it involved a large amount of alcohol (alleged, but who are we kidding).
The Florida Highway Patrol released surveillance footage showing William Edwards, 28, leaving the Dancer's Royale strip club in Orlando about 2:15 a.m. and getting into his Ford pickup truck.
Club security said they tried to stop Edwards, a regular at the club, from driving because he had been drinking heavily.
The footage shows Edwards start to drive away with the door of the pickup ajar, but he quickly falls out the door and the truck runs over his leg.
The FHP said Edwards, apparently uninjured, ran away from the scene as the pickup truck rolled down the street, hit a ditch and rammed into a nearby home.
Adrean Larrea said his mother was sleeping in the home when the truck crashed into her room. She suffered minor injuries but did not require medical attention.
"If that ditch wasn't there, my mom would be in a funeral right now, underground," Larrea told local news. "They had to break the window to get in to turn off the car because the car was smoking."
Investigators said they contacted Edwards, who left his driver's license at the club, and he turned himself in. He is facing a charge of leaving the scene of a crash.
*------------ How's Thats For Luck? ------------*
The AFP reports a man inherited a house in France from a deceased relative only to discover $3.7 million worth of hidden gold. "It was under the furniture, under piles of linen, in the bathroom ... everywhere," an auctioneer says. It started when the unnamed-yet-very-lucky man started moving furniture and found a box of gold coins attached to the bottom of one piece. He continued poking around and soon found an old whisky box with more gold pieces hidden inside. By the time the treasure hunt ended, he had found 5,000 gold pieces, two gold bars, and 37 gold ingots. The entire haul weighed more than 200 pounds and was reportedly bought during the 1950s and 1960s. Meanwhile I can't even win on a stupid, $2 instant lottery ticket. How's that for luck?
The AFP reports a man inherited a house in France from a deceased relative only to discover $3.7 million worth of hidden gold. "It was under the furniture, under piles of linen, in the bathroom ... everywhere," an auctioneer says. It started when the unnamed-yet-very-lucky man started moving furniture and found a box of gold coins attached to the bottom of one piece. He continued poking around and soon found an old whisky box with more gold pieces hidden inside. By the time the treasure hunt ended, he had found 5,000 gold pieces, two gold bars, and 37 gold ingots. The entire haul weighed more than 200 pounds and was reportedly bought during the 1950s and 1960s. Meanwhile I can't even win on a stupid, $2 instant lottery ticket. How's that for luck?
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery.
He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
Furious with the man the redneck screams out, "Look, I want my money".
"If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
Furious with the man the redneck screams out, "Look, I want my money".
"If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"