Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[NSTG8R]

Got these in an email today, thought I'd share them...


When I turned 70....I thought my life was over but then


I discovered how great it is to be 70




I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,

When you are seventy...............who cares?

**********

I went to the drug store and told told clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

When you are seventy...............who cares?

***********

I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.
I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.
Cost me a fat lip, but...

When you âre seventy...............who cares?

**********

I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...

When you âre seventy...............who cares?

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you âre seventy...............who cares?

***********

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...

When you âre seventy...............who cares? ??

 

[W. WIllie]

A lot of people ask me "How you doing"?
My answer, "At my age without, but I'm used to it."

Then they ask "How you feeling"?
My answer, "I don't squeeze them anymore".

They ask "Do you want a bag"?
My answer, Naw, I'm still paying alimony.

When you are 75+ you can get away with a lot.

 

[Ty]

Got these in an email today, thought I'd share them...


When I turned 70....I thought my life was over but then


I discovered how great it is to be 70




I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,

When you are seventy...............who cares?

**********

I went to the drug store and told told clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

When you are seventy...............who cares?

***********

I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.
I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.
Cost me a fat lip, but...

When you âre seventy...............who cares?

**********

I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...

When you âre seventy...............who cares?

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you âre seventy...............who cares?

***********

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...

When you âre seventy...............who cares? ??

LOL... My side hurts!

 

[Mel]

When people ask, "Lived around here all your life?", my favorite answer is "Nope, not yet!"

 

[Wile E. Coyote]

An elderly couple decided to get married, after the ceremony the bride took her new husband aside and said "before tonight I need to tell you something, I have acute angina". The groom replied "thank goodness, your face isn't worth a crap"!!

 

[Wile E. Coyote]

Supposedly Ronald Reagan's favorite joke....

A russian woman called an electrician about fixing a bad light switch. The electrician said he could be there in two years. The woman asked if he would be there in the morning or afternoon. The electrician was confused why it mattered if it would be morning or afternoon. She explained that the plumber was coming in the morning.

This is supposedly a true story, back when Reagan was in office he was visited by Margaret Thatcher on his ranch. Being a horsewoman he invited her for a ride. During a break Mrs. Thatcher's horse suddenly farted loudly and embarrassed she said "oh, pardon me"! Without missing a beat Reagan replied "that's quite alright Mrs. Thatcher, I thought it was the horse".

 

[Wile E. Coyote]

A woman walks into a pharmacy, goes up to the counter and asks the clerk "do you sell extra large condoms"? The clerk replies "yes we do, how many would you like"? The lady says "oh, I don't want to buy any, I just want to hang around until someone does"!

 

[Coss]

One night a ventriloquist was doing a show one night in a small bar in Anakas.
He was telling his usual dumb blonde jokes.

All of a sudden a blonde got up and stood on her chair and began to say, "I've had enough of your stupid dumb blonde jokes!"
"Why do you think you have the right to judge someone just because of the color of their hair?"

The man began to apologize, "I'm sorry..."

The blonde then replied, "Shut up you, I'm talking to that jerk sitting on your knee!"

 

[Coss]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right through.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was mistaken.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the woman driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

 

[Mel]

A man was riding in a taxi on a Caribbean Island. The cab driver was driving with wide open throttle. He came to an intersection and blasted right through the red light. The passenger complained rather loudly. The cabby said, "No worries, we'll be OK. My brother taught me how to drive!"
A few minutes later he blasted through another red light. Again the passenger yelled at him, and again he said, "No worries, we'll be OK. My brother taught me how to drive!" After this was repeated another 3 times, they finally approached an intersection where the light was green. The cabby slammed on the brakes throwing the passenger into the front seat. "Why in the world would you stop like that? The light was green."
Upon which the cabby replied, "My brother might be coming!"