hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
Now Jalapenos just make everything better!
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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
A man came home to his wife one day with a one hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis.
His wife asked, "Why would you do such a thing?"
He replied, "First, my father always told me to keep a hundred dollars in my pocket.
Second, I always like to see my money grow.
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And third, any time you want to blow a hundred dollars, you don't even have to leave the house."
His wife asked, "Why would you do such a thing?"
He replied, "First, my father always told me to keep a hundred dollars in my pocket.
Second, I always like to see my money grow.
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And third, any time you want to blow a hundred dollars, you don't even have to leave the house."
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
It's old but still makes me smile...
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'' I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard.
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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'' I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard.
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Two friends were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams. One man said fondly, “ I had a dream I was on vacation.
It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream."
“I also had a great dream,” said the other. “I dreamt I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life.”
His buddy looked over and exhorted, “You had a dream you had two women, and you didn’t call me?"
“Oh, I did,” said the other, “but when I called, your wife said you’d gone fishing.”
It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream."
“I also had a great dream,” said the other. “I dreamt I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life.”
His buddy looked over and exhorted, “You had a dream you had two women, and you didn’t call me?"
“Oh, I did,” said the other, “but when I called, your wife said you’d gone fishing.”
Ty
Elio Addict
Honestly, I just come to the forum for Coss's jokes any more... There hasn't been a peep from Paul Elio in way too long. But, I still come around occasionally to see what everyone's up to. Hi, everyone!
I'm glad you like them, and I'll see what I can come up with today.
As for Paul, I wish I had an answer for that, but wish in one hand and sh** in the other and see which one fills first...
As for Paul, I wish I had an answer for that, but wish in one hand and sh** in the other and see which one fills first...
A teacher, trying to teach good manners, asked her student the following question,
“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'"
The teacher fainted.
“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'"
The teacher fainted.
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
A Texas Highway Patrol Officer was conducting speeding enforcement on Hwy 77, just south of Kingsville, TX.
The officer was using a handheld radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville and was suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.
The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then... It suddenly went dead.
Immediately a deafening roar over the Mesquite treetops on Hwy 77 revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise near it's Naval Air home base location in Kingsville.
Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi, the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the US Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his officer's equipment. The reply came back in true USMC style:
"Thank you for your letter....
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Hwy 77, south of Kingsville.
The pilot suggests your officer covers his mouth when cursing since the video systems on these jets are extremely high-tech.
Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster."
Semper Fi!
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Xcellent hawg_ryder, simply Xcellent!!