hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
This should work!
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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
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hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
kinda brings a tear to your eye...
As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to play & sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery out in the country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I sang like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
As I sang & played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my keyboard and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost….
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As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to play & sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery out in the country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I sang like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
As I sang & played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my keyboard and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost….
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At a construction site one day at lunchtime, three men were all sitting down to eat their lunches.
The first man opens up his lunch pail to find a PB&J sandwich. "PB&J AGAIN! I swear,
if I have to eat this one more time I'm going to jump off this DAMN building!"
The second guy opens up his lunch box to find a tuna sandwich.
"TUNA AGAIN! If I have to eat another one of these stinking things again I’m going to jump off with you!"
The third guy looks inside his box and sees a bologna sandwich and screams, "HELL, bologna again,
well, if I get this again, I'll jump off this building with ya!"
Well, the next day all three guys find the same types of sandwiches in their containers so they all leave notes as to why they jumped and then jump off.
At the funerals the new widows are all sitting together. The first man's wife cries, "If only he had told me, I would have fixed something else."
The second mans wife says "It wouldn't have been a problem...I thought he liked tuna."
But the third guys wife sat their dumbfounded and said " well I just...just...don't understand! He made his own lunch!"
The first man opens up his lunch pail to find a PB&J sandwich. "PB&J AGAIN! I swear,
if I have to eat this one more time I'm going to jump off this DAMN building!"
The second guy opens up his lunch box to find a tuna sandwich.
"TUNA AGAIN! If I have to eat another one of these stinking things again I’m going to jump off with you!"
The third guy looks inside his box and sees a bologna sandwich and screams, "HELL, bologna again,
well, if I get this again, I'll jump off this building with ya!"
Well, the next day all three guys find the same types of sandwiches in their containers so they all leave notes as to why they jumped and then jump off.
At the funerals the new widows are all sitting together. The first man's wife cries, "If only he had told me, I would have fixed something else."
The second mans wife says "It wouldn't have been a problem...I thought he liked tuna."
But the third guys wife sat their dumbfounded and said " well I just...just...don't understand! He made his own lunch!"
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, “Supersex!”
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex!”
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.” ………….
...........
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex!”
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.” ………….
...........
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
A Couple in their nineties
are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
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are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
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Mel
Elio Addict
Older couple went to the Doctor and asked if he would watch them having sex. "We're not sure we are doing it right." "Well, that's an unusual request, but I guess I will." So they proceed and the Dr. tells them that he sees nothing unusual and charges them $10. The next week they come in again with the same request. He watches them, approves and charges them $10. This goes on for several weeks. After a while the Dr. asks them, "Look, you know by now that you know what you are doing. Why do you insist on having me watch?"
"Well Doc, it's like this; We're both over 65 and both have roommates, so we can't go to my house or her's. A Motel is $25. You charge us just $10 and we get $5 back from Medicare."
"Well Doc, it's like this; We're both over 65 and both have roommates, so we can't go to my house or her's. A Motel is $25. You charge us just $10 and we get $5 back from Medicare."
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Mel
Elio Addict
Older golfer come in and says, "I'm getting so old I can't see very well. Send me a caddy with good eyesight." He goes to the first tee and waits. Shortly an even older guy comes out and introduces himself as the caddy. The golfer says, "I said I need a caddy who can see. You're older than I am!" The caddy replied, "I can see that ball no matter how far you hit it!" So the golfer hits off the tee and the ball goes wayyyyyyy out there. He turns to the caddy and says, "Are you going to tell me that you saw that ball all the way to the ground?" The caddy replies, "Yes Sir, I saw it all the way until it stopped rolling!" To which the golfer says, "Ok then, where is it?" The caddy then states, "I don't remember!"
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me AGAIN, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with some of the other old fellows.
So I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are over 75 and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said. "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
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Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with some of the other old fellows.
So I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are over 75 and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said. "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
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A guy walks into a bar in a town with no women and asks the bartender, "How can you live in this town without any women?"
The bartender replies, "It's not that bad. When we get lonely, we go out back where there is a barrel with a knothole in it."
So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the barrel.
So he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knothole. After about 5 minutes he walks back to the bar and tells the bartender,
"Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had! What do I owe ya?"
The bartender replies, "Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the barrel."
The bartender replies, "It's not that bad. When we get lonely, we go out back where there is a barrel with a knothole in it."
So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the barrel.
So he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knothole. After about 5 minutes he walks back to the bar and tells the bartender,
"Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had! What do I owe ya?"
The bartender replies, "Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the barrel."