Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, and the custody of their children created a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should keep custody of them.

Then man also wanted custody and the judge asked him to justify his demand.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied,
“Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?”

 

[Coss]

An Arab sheik says to an American tourist. “Mr. Smith, your wife, she is beautiful. I have to have her. I will trade you her weight in gold.”

Mr. Smith says, “Give a few days.”

The sheik asks, “To think it over?”

Mr. Smith says, “Hell, no. To fatten her up!” ……..

 

[hawg_ryder]

An Arab sheik says to an American tourist. “Mr. Smith, your wife, she is beautiful. I have to have her. I will trade you her weight in gold.”

Mr. Smith says, “Give a few days.”

The sheik asks, “To think it over?”

Mr. Smith says, “Hell, no. To fatten her up!” ……..

Glad you went ahead and threw the rimshot in!

 

[hawg_ryder]

Just in case anyone is confused about this... Here's how it works...

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[Coss]

The teacher was some months pregnant and as she stood in front of her 5th grade class, Betty asks, "Why is your stomach swelled up?"

So she said, "Can anybody tell me why my stomach is swelled up?"

Jane said, "You were bit by a snake!"

Billy said, "You were bit by a spider?"

"No, neither one of those is correct," she said.

Little Johnny then says, "I know why teacher."

"Okay, why Johnny?"

"You were bit by a trouser worm." ……………………………........................

 

[Coss]

Little Sally asks her dad if she could take her dog Fluffy far a walk around the block. He tells her no, because Fluffy was in heat.

Little Sally asks, "What does in heat mean?"

Without any explanation, her dad took a rag with gas on it and wiped the dog’s rear end with it. He told her to go around the block and come back straight home. When she returned she was alone.

Her dad asks, "Where is Fluffy?"

Little Sally says, "Fluffy ran out of gas a few blocks back and another dog is pushing her home." .......... ..........

 

[hawg_ryder]

Marriage is sharing
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

(Continue below - This is great)






'THE TEETH.'



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[hawg_ryder]

This ain't really a joke per se, but it's still funneeee...
So, my less than 2 year old microwave oven's keypad died and I'm looking for a new one and came across this 2 star review...

"This is a pain to use. It’s not at all user friendly. It’s controlled by aliens and they think their idea about cook times and power settings is better than yours. This isn’t a pop food in, hit twice for two minutes then push start. Oh no,no,no. It’s pop food in, reference the manual, push 12 buttons and cross your fingers. If I had saved the box, I’d be returning this.
11 people found this helpful" (only 11?)

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[Coss]

A dumb college blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

"What was wrong with it?" asked the librarian.

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh! You must be the person who took our phone book."

 

[Coss]

Dennis is worried about the size of his penis, so he goes to see a doctor. The doctor says, “Here take these pills every day for a week.”

Dennis is so frustrated that the first night he downs the whole bottle. A couple of days later, he and his wife go back to see the doctor.
Dennis says, “Doc, take a look at this.”

He takes off his pants and he’s got a five foot penis that reaches the floor. The doctor says, “Goodness I’m going to have to operate.”

His wife says, “How long do you think my husband will be in crutches?”

The doctor says, “On crutches?”
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She says, “You are going to lengthen his legs, right?"