Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped 'it' to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?" asked Jeff.

"I kicked her in the face." ……………………....….….….….….....

 

[Coss]

Hung Chow calls work and says, "Hey boss, no work for me today, I'm feeling sick. I got headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That always makes everything better and then I can go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great! I'll be at work soon.
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By the way, you got a nice house."

 

[hawg_ryder]

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[hawg_ryder]

Actually, there'd be more eggs, biscuits n' gravy, and the pistol would be a thumb buster Colt .45!



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[hawg_ryder]

in an effort to be more healthy...

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[Coss]

The teacher was very impressed with Timmy's answer to her question so she told him to come up to the front of the class,
close his eyes and hold out his hands for a surprise. "But first," she said, "You have to guess what it is."

"A toy?"

"No."

"A new pencil?"

"No," said the teacher as she held the Hershey's kiss right above his opened hands. "Let me give you a hint.
It's something your dad asks you mom for every day before he leaves for work."
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"Don't touch it, Timmy!" yells little Johnny. "It's a piece of ass!" ……………….-------------------

 

[hawg_ryder]

Ahh Brian... What a guy!

A man walked out to the street and immediately catches a taxi in New York City .

The cabbie says, "perfect timing, you're just like Brian." The passenger said "Who?"
Cabbie:
"Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."
Passenger:
"There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie:
"Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete who could have won the Grand Slam at tennis or played golf with the pros. He sang like a bird, danced like a star and played the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger:
"Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie:
"There's more. He had a memory like a computer, remembered everybody's birthday and knew all about wine. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan could do everything right."
Passenger:
"Wow... Some guy that Brian."
Cabbie:
"He always knew the quickest way in traffic and avoided every traffic jam. Brian never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger:
"An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie:
"Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his frickin' widow."


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[Coss]

A guy calls 911. “Help, send an ambulance! My wife is in labor and her water broke!

The 911 operator asks, “Is this her first child?”

“No, you moron” yells the guy. “This is her husband!” …………….

 

[hawg_ryder]

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[hawg_ryder]

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