Ty
Elio Addict
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like grandpa... not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot.
I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night.
We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out.
And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.
Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree.
He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot.
I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night.
We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out.
And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.
Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree.
He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
The small business owner was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University and I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000, minus 15%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought for a moment, then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University and I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000, minus 15%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought for a moment, then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
Ty
Elio Addict
The supervisor had to fire either Barbara or Jack. He hated these continual layoffs and it bothered him to have to fire one of his two best employees. He couldn't decide because they were so good and he felt bad enough about it that he called Barbara in to give her a heads up on his dilemma. He said "Barbara, I'm going to have to either lay you or Jack off." She said, "Well, you'd better just jack off. I've got a meeting in 5 minutes."
larryboy
Elio Addict
The hunter was in big trouble. He had been caught with the carcass of a bald eagle and was being tried in federal court for shooting a protected bird. The judge let him know that he intended to punish him to the full extent of the law. The hunter said " wait a minute judge. I was lost and had no food. I had my rifle and a few shells and some matches and that was it. If I hadn't shot that eagle I would have starved to death." The judge thinks for a moment and then says " I guess you had no choice so I am going to dismiss the case but before you go I have a question. You are probably the only person I will ever meet who knows what a bald eagle tastes like. What are they like as food?" The hunter considers and says "well, judge, kinda like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."
ross
Elio Addict
A guy goes into a drug store for a box of condoms, salesperson asks him 'do you want a bag for that? He replies 'no thanks, she's pretty good looking.'
Ty
Elio Addict
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first walks up to the bartender and says "Give me an H2O." The bartender gives him his drink, the chemist drinks his water and walks away. The second chemist, having seen his friend order, says "Give me an H2O too". The bartender does, the chemist drinks it and dies.
(H2O2 is Hydrogen Peroxide)
(H2O2 is Hydrogen Peroxide)
Little Johnny rushed home from school and told his mom, "Mommy, mommy, I saw Daddy driving by my school with Aunty Joan into the woods.
I followed them and saw Daddy taking Aunty Joan's clothes off..."
The mom stopped him.
”Wait. Little Johnny, that's a beautiful story."
"Why don’t you wait to when Daddy gets home to tell it."
So after supper mommy asks little Johnny to tell his story.
He starts over, "Today I say daddy and Aunty Joan driving by my school into the woods."
"When I followed them, I saw daddy taking off Aunty Joan's clothes and Aunty Joan taking daddy's clothes off."
"And they did what you and Uncle Chris did when daddy was away!"
I followed them and saw Daddy taking Aunty Joan's clothes off..."
The mom stopped him.
”Wait. Little Johnny, that's a beautiful story."
"Why don’t you wait to when Daddy gets home to tell it."
So after supper mommy asks little Johnny to tell his story.
He starts over, "Today I say daddy and Aunty Joan driving by my school into the woods."
"When I followed them, I saw daddy taking off Aunty Joan's clothes and Aunty Joan taking daddy's clothes off."
"And they did what you and Uncle Chris did when daddy was away!"
A sales executive was helping a new trainee prepare for her first weekend sales convention.
Upon their arrival in New York, the boss showed her the best places to eat, shop, and stay.
The following morning, as the group was organizing their material for the day’s presentation, the executive noticed the trainee was missing.
He called the hotel where she was staying to ask what happened.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of my room!”
“You can’t get out of your room? Why not?” asked the boss.
“There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed.
“One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says Do Not Disturb!”
Upon their arrival in New York, the boss showed her the best places to eat, shop, and stay.
The following morning, as the group was organizing their material for the day’s presentation, the executive noticed the trainee was missing.
He called the hotel where she was staying to ask what happened.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of my room!”
“You can’t get out of your room? Why not?” asked the boss.
“There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed.
“One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says Do Not Disturb!”
