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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
Ty
Elio Addict
I literally got in trouble once a long time ago in History class for almost the same joke. I'll save you the history lesson that we were learning but the German Fokkers were mentioned and I said "Can you imagine that British pilot. He looks back and says (in my best British accent) 'Look at all those Fokkers!'"
Ekh
Elio Addict
Mel
Elio Addict
Is it considered a joke if it's true?
I was going through a VERY long and frustrating TSA line at San Diego Airport just after I had grown my beard. I did NOT have it when my driver's license picture was taken. A TSA agent stopped me and said, "You don't have a beard in your picture." I said, "I didn't have a beard when I got in this line!" I immediately thought, "Uh-Oh, I probably shouldn't have said that."
He just laughed and said, "Well, I asked for that didn't I?"
I was going through a VERY long and frustrating TSA line at San Diego Airport just after I had grown my beard. I did NOT have it when my driver's license picture was taken. A TSA agent stopped me and said, "You don't have a beard in your picture." I said, "I didn't have a beard when I got in this line!" I immediately thought, "Uh-Oh, I probably shouldn't have said that."
He just laughed and said, "Well, I asked for that didn't I?"
skygazer6033
Elio Addict
Good one Mel. I love when a response just comes to you. Many years ago,when I worked in Atlanta, we were all working wall to wall overtime. A friend made the comment "I'm so busy I don't even have time to wipe my ass". "I've been meaning to speak to you about that" was my reply. Couldn't have worked out better.
ross
Elio Addict
I'm 5' 11" and weigh 165 pounds, I was in the grocery store checkout line with a 50 lb bag of dog food in my cart when the overweight lady behind me asked 'do you have a dog?' I replied 'no I'm on the dog food diet, I used to weigh over 300 lbs but now I keep a handful of kibble in my pocket and whenever I feel hungry I just pop a couple kibble in my mouth, it's complete nutrition and I lost over one hundred and fifty pounds.' This lady is now hanging on my every word. Then I told her 'but the last time I was on it it put me in the hospital.' She looked real serious and asked 'you got sick?' I replied 'no I was laying in the middle of the street licking my nuts and I got hit by a car.' I thought her husband was going to wet his pants, he was laughing so hard.
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Ty
Elio Addict
True story (that may not be actually funny). I was in Afghanistan at the time and had to meet with police chiefs throughout the country and basically work with them to set up a pay system where their officers were paid via the bank instead of sending a bag of cash to the station. This was to ensure that each police officer actually got his money rather than being paid whatever the police chief felt like giving him. It seems that unpaid policemen would set up road blocks, collect tolls, do housing inspections and require fees... basically, they were making the people hate them. Anyway, our program was to set up banks in the province, get each police officer a bank card with their picture on it and teach them how to get paid. The police chief may take their money from them after they got it but at least they each got to see how much they were being cheated. Some of the Chiefs basically fed and took care of their people and were using the money that was sent to them to keep the station running. The dishonest ones would claim they had 40 officers and get paid by the US for them when in reality they only had 10. Now, monthly pay for the police was about $100. Anyway, that was all to set the scene.
At these meetings, the Afghans would always bring out Chi tea. It was almost always served in glasses. We were warned about drinking and eating things from downtown but could use our own judgment. However, we were expected to drink the tea as to not drink the tea was kind of an insult. I had a partner who would go with me to these meetings. (We always had an armed group with us. We were also armed but it seemed I always had the same partner.) The police chief's servant/slave/mentally challenged/whatever guy brought out the tea and placed it in front of us. It was steaming. It was yellow. It was tea. I took my "almost a real sip" sip and looked over at my buddy who had the weirdest look on his face. On his glass was a clump of tea leaves (I think). It looked like a bugger. He couldn't bring himself to drink it nor could I drink any more. As soon as we were done figuring out where we would have the bank "built" (it usually just occupied an existing building), we left.
However, from then on, Chi Tea was called simply "Steamy piss in bugger cups". Still makes me laugh, groan, and involuntarily a little sick even after 7 years. Ugh. steamy piss in bugger cups. Gross.
P.S. We did get the bank built. When the team went to pass out the bank cards in a ceremony, I was left in a Humvee keeping watch in a busy alley... If anyone ever offers you a job like that, hard pass.
At these meetings, the Afghans would always bring out Chi tea. It was almost always served in glasses. We were warned about drinking and eating things from downtown but could use our own judgment. However, we were expected to drink the tea as to not drink the tea was kind of an insult. I had a partner who would go with me to these meetings. (We always had an armed group with us. We were also armed but it seemed I always had the same partner.) The police chief's servant/slave/mentally challenged/whatever guy brought out the tea and placed it in front of us. It was steaming. It was yellow. It was tea. I took my "almost a real sip" sip and looked over at my buddy who had the weirdest look on his face. On his glass was a clump of tea leaves (I think). It looked like a bugger. He couldn't bring himself to drink it nor could I drink any more. As soon as we were done figuring out where we would have the bank "built" (it usually just occupied an existing building), we left.
However, from then on, Chi Tea was called simply "Steamy piss in bugger cups". Still makes me laugh, groan, and involuntarily a little sick even after 7 years. Ugh. steamy piss in bugger cups. Gross.
P.S. We did get the bank built. When the team went to pass out the bank cards in a ceremony, I was left in a Humvee keeping watch in a busy alley... If anyone ever offers you a job like that, hard pass.
NSTG8R
Elio Addict
On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the
seniors pointing out some of her rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the
male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be
fined $20 the first time."
She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be
fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are
there any questions?"
At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired: "How much
for a season pass?”
A woman talks to her priest after services one day and says, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"