Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[champsman]

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into
a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.
[Broken External Image]


The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his
eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt
to start the cab.


The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong
with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked
woman before?"


The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you
sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you
tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."


The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if
you're not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what
are you doing then?"


He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am,
I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking
to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping
de money to pay for dis ride?

 

[champsman]

At an annual Bosses' Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers,
sponsored by legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss
of the Year.
The master of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a
graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates
some of you as candidates.
"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That
eliminates some more of you.
"Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."
A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"

 

[champsman]

There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of The
Hicksville Southern Baptist Church.
It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on
"dedicating yourselves to service" and the Choir Director chose to
sing: "I Shall Not Be Moved."
Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident
behind him.
The next Sunday he preached on "giving." Afterwards, the choir squirmed
as the Director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All."
By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance
swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the
next week to hear his sermon on "the sin of gossiping."
Would you believe the Choir Director selected: "I Love To Tell The Story."
There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told the
congregation that unless something changed he was considering resignation.
The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in: "Why Not
Tonight."
Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later;
explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away.
The Choir Director could not resist: "What A Friend We Have In Jesus."

 

[larryboy]

The first mate brought a bottle aboard ship just in case and one night when the ship was well out to sea he decided to have a snort and one led to another and pretty soon the bottle was gone and so was the first mate. He decided to sing himself to sleep and the Captain came to his cabin and found him drunk. The next morning the first mate noted that the Captain had written in the log "the first mate was drunk last night". He appealed to the Captain on the grounds that the owners of the ship read every entry in the log and he would lose his position. The Captain said the entry was the truth and he would not change it. The next morning the Captain noticed that the first mate had written in the log "the Captain was sober last night".

 

[larryboy]

Well, if it's sea stories you guys want to hear.....First of all, the difference between a sea story and a fairy tale. A fairy tale starts out "once upon a time....and a sea story starts out " now this ain't no shit.

There once was a very successful sea Captain. His voyages made money. The crew stayed safe. The winds were fair and everything went according to plan. The first mate noticed that every morning when the Captain came out on the bridge he would take a little piece of paper out of his vest pocket and go to the safe and open it and take out another little piece of paper and read it. Then he would put the paper back and lock the safe and go about the days business. One morning when the steward went to wake the Captain he was found dead in his bed. The first mate was called, he decided that the Captain had died in his sleep and ushered everyone out of the cabin. The moment they were gone he found the little piece of paper with the combination to the safe in the Captains vest and raced up to the bridge. He opened the safe took out the other little piece of paper and read "Port is left and Starboard is right

 

[Johnny Acree]

A friend sent these to me.


Texas Country Humour

I had a dream…..If you don't like this picture, you don't know a thing about art. People just don't send out beautiful pictures like this often enough.

What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

[bowers baldwin]

 

[Rob Croson]

This is my favorite.

 

[ross]

Sea story, let me preface this a little bit, I'm a land lubber, know little about nautical terms, this came out of Readers Digest about 20 years ago: A US battleship out on patrol spots a light dead ahead and radios "vessel dead ahead suggest you turn 10 degrees to port' response comes back 'negative suggest you turn 10 degrees to port' battleship responds 'This is admiral so and so of the US Navy bear 10 degrees to port' Response comes 'this is ensign so and so of the US coast guard you bear 10 degrees to port' Battleship responds This is the US Battleship SS such and such bear 10 degrees to port' Response comes back 'This is a lighthouse, Your call.'

 

[Coss]