Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

A woman hears that her 98-year-old grandfather has died, and journeys to see her grandmother.
After the funeral, she asks, "How did it happen, Granny?"

"Well, dear, it happened while we were making love one Sunday morning."

"My goodness, Granny, two people almost 100 years old shouldn't be having sex!" the granddaughter exclaims.

Her grandmother replies, "Well, dear, it's really a matter of patience and timing.
You see, we pace ourselves to the sound of the church bells down the street.
In with the ding, out with the dong...and we were doing fine until that damned ice cream truck came by!"

 

[Marshall]

Opie. AKA Ron Howard and I are exactly the same age. I have been a fan of his since he played Andy Griffiths son Opie at the tender age of 6 on the Andy Griffith Show. Soon after he left Mayberry and graduated High School he made American Graffiti with George Lucas, Then he, Tom Hanks and Stephen Spielberg met and the rest is history, Apollo 13 anyone? Please don't bad mouth Ron Howard, he's one of the nicest people I've ever met, and from what I hear that's not easy to do in Hollywood.

Before that, he was Shirley Jones son in The Music Man.

 

[Coss]

A farmer has a rooster that goes around screwing all the animals in the barnyard.
The rooster keeps this up for quite a while before the farmer finally pulls him aside and warns him.
“Look,” the farmer says, ”you had better take it a little easier or you’re liable to screw yourself to death.”
The rooster just laughs at the farmer and goes out and has all the chickens in the chicken coop.
He then goes through all the cows, then the pigs, and so on, until he as been with all the animals on the farm.
He keeps this up every day for weeks.

Then one day the farmer doesn’t see the rooster around the barnyard, so he goes looking for him.
Out above one of his fields, the farmer sees some vultures circling around and around.
The farmer runs out and sees the rooster lying spread-eagle on the ground.
“I knew it!” says the farmer.
“I knew this would happen to you! Oh, why didn’t you listen to me when I warned you?”

The rooster opens one eye, point upward, and says, “Shhh. They are getting lower.”

 

[Coss]

On a flight to New York the flight attendant said to a lady sitting in first class, "Ma´am, I'm afraid you'll have to sit in the back since you have a coach ticket."
The lady responded, "Listen, I'm a beautiful blonde, I'm going to NY, and I'm sitting in first class."

The two argued for a while but finally the flight attendant went and got the first officer - who came and said, "Ma´am, I'm afraid you'll have to move into the coach section since you have a coach ticket".
To which she replied, "Listen, sir, I'm a beautiful blonde, I'm going to NY, and I'm sitting in first class."

After they argued for a while the first officer gave up and went to get the Captain who said, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a beautiful blonde."
So - the Captain went right up to her, whispered in her ear, after which she got right up and moved into the coach section.

Both the flight attendant and first officer were shocked and asked the Captain - "I don't get it sir.
What did you say to make her move back to coach."
To which the Captain said, "Oh that was easy, I just told her first class wasn't going to NY!"

 

[Mel]

Have you ever noticed that Geese always fly in a "V" formation?
Have you ever noticed that one leg of the "V" is always longer than the other?
Why is that?
...
...
...
...
...
...
Because it has more geese in it! Badabing!

 

[Coss]

The sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pickup and into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch?
Don’t you see that sign right over your head?"

“Yep." the guy replied.
“That’s why I'm dumping it here, it says ‘fine for dumping garbage.'"

 

[Jambe]

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his pistol and yelled, "I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife.

A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo".

 

[Kuda]

What car does a Proctologist drive? A brown Ford Probe. *rimshot*. See what I did there with the added "rimshot"?

 

[Kuda]

Did you know that 97% Ford trucks are still on the road? The other 3% made it home.
I love that Ford not only circled the problem, they high-lighted it in blue.
Fix or repair daily, found on road dead, f#%*ed over on a raw deal, fill oil reservoir daily,for old retired doctors
Made Of Parts Already Ruined. And I won't tell you what Pontiac stands for.

A town in Michigan ?

 

[Coss]

A town in Michigan ?

I know the most common answer to Pontiac and don't go there unless you'd like a month off the board.