Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Muzhik]

Word went out some time ago that Putin had been killed, shredded to get rid of the body, but the body was mistakenly sent to a tea room where it was put on butter crackers for hors d’oeuvres.

Yes, just another case of ...

(... wait for it ...)

... Putin on the Ritz.

 

[Coss]

Word went out some time ago that Putin had been killed, shredded to get rid of the body, but the body was mistakenly sent to a tea room where it was put on butter crackers for hors d’oeuvres.

Yes, just another case of ...

(... wait for it ...)

... Putin on the Ritz.

 

[larryboy]

The tribe's medicine man really liked his job. There was only one problem. One young tribe member insisted on knowing one of his secrets. He wanted to know how the names of the tribe members were selected. Finally his constant questioning wore down the medicine man and he agreed to tell him. "As you know, I attend all the births. I help the midwives and after the child is born and mother and child are resting comfortably I step out of the lodge and look around the natural world. The moon may be coming up and I might name the child 'new moon rising'. Or a snow may be falling and I might name the child 'snow gently falling'. But tell me 'two dogs fucking' why do you want to know?"

 

[Mel]

A blonde was walking along and came up on 2 engineers looking up a pole with questioning looks on their faces. She asked what the problem was. One engineer said, "We were sent out here to find out how tall this pose is, but every time we stand our tape up, it falls over after about 10'."
The blonde calmly took out her crescent wrench, unscrewed the bolts and laid the pole down on the ground. She then took their tape and measured it. Returning the tape to the engineer, she said, "It's 30 ft."
The engineer turned to the other and said, "That's just like a blonde. We need to know how tall it is, not how long it is."

 

[Mel]

Two magicians walking down the street. One turned into a bar! "Bazzinga"

 

[Coss]

Two magicians walking down the street. One turned into a bar! "Bazzinga"

 

[Mel]

Here's one to try on your friends. I have 2 common U.S. coins. Together they total 30 cents. One of them is NOT a nickel. What are the two coins?







A quarter and a nickel. One of them is NOT a nickel. The other one IS!

 

[Mel]

A few pages back there was some talk about traffic stops. My brother-in-law was a Dallas cop for several years. He once pulled a guy over for not wearing a seatbelt. As he approached the car, the driver frantically strapped in just in the nick of time. My brother-in-law asked for his license and commented; "I see you're wearing your seatbelt. That's a very safe thing to do." The driver countered back with, "Yes sir, I always buckle up when driving." Then my BIL asked, "But do you always wear it looped through the steering wheel like that?"

True story!

 

[pistonboy]

Look up the definition of the word "fard". It means to apply cosmetics to one's face.

Now, go out and ask a woman "Are you farding in your car?"

 

[NSTG8R]

Here's one to try on your friends. I have 2 common U.S. coins. Together they total 30 cents. One of them is NOT a nickel. What are the two coins?







A quarter and a nickel. One of them is NOT a nickel. The other one IS!

A nickel and a quarter. Because one is not a nickel, it's a quarter.
I did mess with some people's heads on that one a while back.

Edit: Need to work on my reading comprehension...you already answered it at the bottom of the post.