Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[NSTG8R]

To anybody that is required to attend meetings, I present Action Item Man!

 

[Coss]

This guy is sitting outside on his lawn when he sees his blonde neighbor walk outside and check her mailbox.
With a confused look on her face, she walks back inside.

Five minutes later, the blonde walks outside again to check her mailbox.
Seeing that there is nothing in it, she walks back inside her house.

Another five minutes later, the blonde comes back outside to check her mailbox.
After watching the blonde check her mailbox 3 times in a row, the guy is pretty curious.
When she starts to walk back inside again, he asks, "What are you doing?"
She says, "My computer keeps telling me that I've got mail."

 

[RUCRAYZE]

A man in his mid forties bought a new Elio and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him, in his rear camera. “There’s no way they can catch an Elio,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and loved the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.” “Have a nice weekend,” said the officer and he walked away.

 

[eddie66]

A man in his mid forties bought a new Elio and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him, in his rear camera. “There’s no way they can catch an Elio,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and loved the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.” “Have a nice weekend,” said the officer and he walked away.

Must have been a P4. My Elio won't have a needle.

 

[Coss]

Roll Your Own

A guy goes into a store and asks the clerk "Where would I find tampons?"

The clerk says "Isle 15."

The guy goes to isle 15 and comes back with cotton balls and a roll of string.

The clerk asks, "I thought you wanted tampons?"

To which the guy replied, "I did, but the other night I asked my wife to go get me a pack of cigarettes and she came back with some Bugler and rolling papers.

If I can roll my own, so can she!"

 

[ross]

two little boys, one five and one ten come into a store, pick up a box of tampons and take it to the check out counter, the clerk asks the older boy if these are for their mother the kid responds 'no these are for my little brother here, it says on the box you can swim or ride a bike with these and he can't do any of that stuff.'

 

[eddie66]

65 Year Old Woman - Priceless!!
>
>
>>
>> A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
>>
>> While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
>> She asked "Is my time up?"
>>
>> God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
>>
>> Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
>> Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
>>
>> She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
>> Teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
>> Well make the most of it.
>>
>> After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
>> crossing
>> The street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
>>
>> Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
>> Another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
>> Ambulance?"
>>
>> (You'll love this)
>>
>> God replied:
>>
>> "Shit! I didn't recognize you!!!!!"
>

 

[eddie66]

You'll get a kick out of this one
Feeling any older today?


Few people realize it but...........

Our favorite cartoon characters are also now seniors!

Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you respond to it.
A word of encouragement during a failure is worth more than an hour of praise after a success.
Yesterday is history,tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.

 

[bowers baldwin]

 

[Coss]

Whats he got?

While having lunch in Central Park, a pair of retired doctors saw a man walking their way.
His knees were pressed together, his hands were clenched in tight fists, and his wrists were bent inward, toward his wait.

“You still got your knack for diagnosing?” asked one doctor.
“Sure. Why?” replied the other. He gestured toward the man.
“I’d say the poor fellow’s got cerebral palsy.”

The other doctor shook his head. “Arthritis, for sure.”

“Let’s find out,” said the first. However, before the doctor could ask, the man stopped in front of their bench.
He said through his teeth, “Pardon me, but do either of you gentlemen know where in this damn park the rest rooms are?”