Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[ross]

Mike goes to visit Bill in the rest home, they're seated in the hallway and Bill starts to lean to his left, nurse comes by, straightens him up and asks 'would you gentlemen care for something to drink?' Sure a couple glasses of prune juice would be great, she leaves, Bill starts to lean over to his right, nurse comes by straightens him up, sets the juice down between them and leaves, Bill starts to lean over forward, nurse comes by straightens him up takes the empty glasses and leaves, Mike says 'man this place is great, they really take care of you here' Bill says ' I don't know about that, I've been trying to fart for half an hour.'

 

[ross]

Bill's sitting in his room at the rest home and an 85 year old woman comes in wearing nothing but a bathrobe, she shuts the door, turns around, opens her robe and hollers "SUPER PUSSY!" Bill looks at her wrinkled body for a few seconds and says "Ah, I think I'll have the soup."

 

[Coss]

Bill's sitting in his room at the rest home and an 85 year old woman comes in wearing nothing but a bathrobe, she shuts the door, turns around, opens her robe and hollers "SUPER PUSSY!" Bill looks at her wrinkled body for a few seconds and says "Ah, I think I'll have the soup."

 

[Ty]

Once upon a time, there was an Elio thread that stayed on target. Target. I saw some shoes I liked at Target. I should run. I wonder how the Elio engine runs. I'll bet it doesn't run as good as my old Mustang that I had while in High School. High School was fun. I remember this one time....

This Joke thread is the sole exception to the "No thread shall ever stay on topic" rule.

Nope, you may NOT reply talking about how threads wander. This thread is for jokes only.

So,

Why did Sally fall off the swing? She had no arms!
Knock, knock. (Who's there?) Not Sally!

 

[JK]

A toothless termite goes into a bar and asks "Where's the bartender?.


Name of the procedure where they change a woman to a man: an addadicktome.

 

[Ty]

In you best Scottish accent...

McGregor walks into his favorite bar all forlorn.

Bar tender: Why so down?

McGregor: Well, I built me own house with my own hands. Do they call me McGregor the house builder? No, they don't. I built me own sense with me own hands. Do they call me McGregor the sense builder? No, they don't. But, you fuck one goat...

 

[NSTG8R]

A bear walks into a bar in Barstow and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender replied.
"I'm sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in Barstow."
The bear, very agitate replies,
"If you don't serve me a beer, I'll maul the bimbo at the end of the bar!"
The bartender sticks to his guns, and the bear keeps his promise.
The bear walks back to the bartender and says,
"Are you going to serve me a beer now?"
The bartender replied,
"I'm sorry, we can't sell beer to bears in Barstow that are on drugs."
The bear says,
"Drugs!?, what the hell are you talking about. I'm not on drugs!"
The bartender replied,
"I'm afraid you are. That was just the bar bitch you ate." ....

 

[ross]

two strings walk into a bar and order a beer,
bartender says 'we don't serve strings here'
string says 'oh come on give us a beer'
bartender says 'I told you we don't serve strings, now get out'
the strings go out and one says 'I'm going to get a beer one way or another'
so he ties himself up frazzles his ends and goes back in the bar
'Hey bartender how about a beer?' Bartender says 'aren't you one of those strings that was just here?'
string says 'No I'm afraid not'



(a frayed knot)

 

[ross]

Once upon a time, there was an Elio thread that stayed on target. Target. I saw some shoes I liked at Target. I should run. I wonder how the Elio engine runs. I'll bet it doesn't run as good as my old Mustang that I had while in High School. High School was fun. I remember this one time....

This Joke thread is the sole exception to the "No thread shall ever stay on topic" rule.

Nope, you may NOT reply talking about how threads wander. This thread is for jokes only.

So,

Why did Sally fall off the swing? She had no arms!
Knock, knock. (Who's there?) Not Sally!

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
Because she was a woman.

 

[Mel]

A blonde in Las Vegas was standing at a Coke machine. She inserted a dollar, pulled the handle and got a Coke. She put in another dollar, pulled the handle and got another Coke. This went on for several minutes. The guy behind her patiently waiting his turn eventually asked, "What in the world are you doing?" She replied, "Duh, Winning!"