hawg_ryder
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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
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hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
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Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly…
… changed regularly and for the same reason too!
… changed regularly and for the same reason too!
Three guys are at the water cooler talking about their dates the previous night. Paul insists,
“My date must be a nurse, because she said, ‘Lie back and relax. This won't hurt a bit.'"
Neil concludes that his girl must be a schoolteacher, because she said,
“Do it over and over until you get it right.”
Tom figures that his date must be a flight attendant, because she said,
“Put this over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe normally.”
“My date must be a nurse, because she said, ‘Lie back and relax. This won't hurt a bit.'"
Neil concludes that his girl must be a schoolteacher, because she said,
“Do it over and over until you get it right.”
Tom figures that his date must be a flight attendant, because she said,
“Put this over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe normally.”
85 year old Lucy bursts into the game-room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,
“Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!”
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?”
Lucy thinks a minute and says, “Close enough!”
“Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!”
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?”
Lucy thinks a minute and says, “Close enough!”
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance,
then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?" she asks.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
"Damn, this thing must be an hour fast then."
then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?" she asks.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
"Damn, this thing must be an hour fast then."
This is the way my dad would break the ice with a complete stranger. in public....
As they walk by, he would look down intently at thier feet, point and say, "Hey, the back of your heal is going forward!"
He is required to be smiling when they look back up confused.
And right then, you need a follow up thing to say next, which needs a lot of magic in it.
Sometimes, just after the smile, he would look at me, as if I had that magic to offer up.
Now you know the source of a few of my mental 'ticks'.
As they walk by, he would look down intently at thier feet, point and say, "Hey, the back of your heal is going forward!"
He is required to be smiling when they look back up confused.
And right then, you need a follow up thing to say next, which needs a lot of magic in it.
Sometimes, just after the smile, he would look at me, as if I had that magic to offer up.
Now you know the source of a few of my mental 'ticks'.
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I have this problem of being a litteralist, so at first I took this as being true ire. But then I played this out in my mind as if it were a diner theater play,
You guys know you were just adding to the joke, yes, like a eye roll after a bad one..? Yea, that was it, you played that out very well.
OK, I will just take it that way, and you can both just laugh at me for it.
Just to address the nature of a true comedian, it doesn't fully matter what the reaction was, the point was, that you got one.
Sometimes I don't get one. So so sad...
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hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
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DikiJ
Elio Addict
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson
As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there.
It’s not my age that bothers me, it’s the side effects.
I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.
As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of .. it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
Me, sobbing: “I’m not coming back here anymore ... I'm not going to let you hurt me again."My Trainer: "It was one sit-up.”
As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy. The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient.
I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four U.S. presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round...and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
Apparently, RSVP-ing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found “Mute" by now.
So, you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChickens all your life, but you won’t take the vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it?
Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a dumbass.
There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is, once you get old you stop being polite and start being honest.
As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there.
It’s not my age that bothers me, it’s the side effects.
I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.
As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of .. it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
Me, sobbing: “I’m not coming back here anymore ... I'm not going to let you hurt me again."My Trainer: "It was one sit-up.”
As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy. The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient.
I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four U.S. presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round...and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
Apparently, RSVP-ing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found “Mute" by now.
So, you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChickens all your life, but you won’t take the vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it?
Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a dumbass.
There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is, once you get old you stop being polite and start being honest.