Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

The priest was administering the last rites to a critically ill man.

Before anointing the man, the priest asked, “Do you renounce the world, the flesh, and the Devil?"

The man replied, “I think in my condition, this is no time to offend anyone.”

 

[Coss]

A guy calls 911. “Help, send an ambulance! My wife is in labor and her water broke!

The 911 operator asks, “Is this her first child?”

“No, you moron” yells the guy. “This is her husband!” ...............................

 

[Coss]

And saving the best for last;

The teacher was very impressed with Timmy's answer to her question so she told him to come up to the front of the class, close his eyes and hold out his hands for a surprise. "But first," she said, "You have to guess what it is."

"A toy?"

"No."

"A new pencil?"

"No," said the teacher as she held the Hershey's kiss right above his opened hands. "Let me give you a hint. It's something your dad asks you mom for every day before he leaves for work."

"Don't touch it, Timmy!" yells little Johnny. "It's a piece of ass!" ...................................................

 

[hawg_ryder]

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[hawg_ryder]

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[hawg_ryder]

The Back Pew ....

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a salary raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said "Amen."

GOTTA LOVE THOSE SENIOR CITIZENS




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[hawg_ryder]

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[Coss]

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder and orders a beer. Before long the monkey is going crazy. It's doing flips on the bar, it grabs some napkins and eats them grabs some olives and eats them, it jumps over to the pool table, grabs a pool ball and eats it.

So now the bartender is pissed and yells at the guy. "What the hell Mister your monkey is crazy!"

The guy apologizes and says, "Yeah I know, I'm really sorry. But don't worry I'll pay for everything." So he pays for his beer, the napkins, and the olives, he even pays for the pool ball and then he leaves. About a week goes by and the same guy comes back to the bar with his monkey. He sits down and orders his beer and the monkey flips out again. This time he grabs a cherry sticks it in his ass and then eats it.

The bartender says, "What the fuck, your monkey is crazier than ever!"

The guy says, "Yeah, I know, but after the pool ball now he checks for size first."..........................................

 

[hawg_ryder]

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[hawg_ryder]

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