Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[hawg_ryder]

THINGS I LEARNED LIVIN' IN TEXAS ....
1) A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2) There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Texas.
3) There are 10,000 types of spiders, and all 10,000 of them live in Texas.
4) If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5) Onced" and "Twiced" are words..
6) It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.
7) "Jawl-P?" means, "Did y'all go to the bathroom?"

People actually grow and eat okra.
9) "Fixinto" is one word.
10) There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper...
11) Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar..
12) Backwards and forwards means, "I know everythin' 'bout you.
13) The word "jeet" is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"
14) You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is.. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see...
15) You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH 'em.
16) You measure distance in hours.
17) You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
18) All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
19) You know what a "Dawg" is.
20) You carry jumper cables in your car - for your own car.
21) You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tony Chachere's, Tabasco, and Tex Joy Steak Seasoning.
22) The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and local football...
23) You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
24) You find 100 degrees "a bit warm."
25) You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
26) Going to Walmart is a favorite past time known as "Goin' Walmartin" or "off to Wally World."
27) You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather..
28) Fried catfish is the other white meat.
29) We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
30) You understand these jokes and forward them to your Texas friends and those who just wish they were from Texas.

Yee haw!


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[hawg_ryder]

My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

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[Mark BEX]

 

[Mark BEX]

I went to a social dance the other night, was there for a while watching everyone having fun, so went to the bar to get a drink, but there was a long line waiting consisting of 2 Nuns, a Rabbi, a Jew, a guy dressed as Batman, a Transvestite, and some strippers holding up Russian flags.

So I spotted a punch bowl on a table with no one there, so went and got a glass of punch.

There is no punchline.

 

[Mark BEX]

I'm not used to people missing me, once as a kid I ran away from home once, 3 weeks later when I returned, Mum asked if I wanted my dinner reheated.

While I ran away, a man in a dress asked me if I needed somewhere to stay, I ran the other way. Oh I wasn't scared that he was a weirdo pedophile, I was scared he would start playing bagpipes.

 

[Coss]

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," replied the artist.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

 

[Coss]

A Preacher was standing at the Pulpit giving his Sunday sermon,when a note was passed to him.
The only word written on the sheet was "FOOL".

Looking up at the congregation, the preacher smiled and said, "I have heard of men who write letters and forget to sign their names, but this is the first time I have seen a man sign his name and forget to write the letter." ......................................

 

[Coss]

This guy goes into a bar, orders up a beer, and notices that the patrons are holding slips of paper with numbers written on them. Periodically the numbers are being called over the p.a. system. Curiously, the guy asks the bartender, "What's going on?"

So the Bartender breaks it down saying, "It's simple, you order a drink you get a number. If we call your number, you get to go in the back and get laid!" The guy says, "I don't believe it, sounds like bullshit to me."

Some drunk guy sitting a few stools down, interrupts, "It's not bullshit, my wife's number has been called 3 times in the last 20 minutes!"

 

[Coss]

What did the comedian say while he was undressing?

Haven't you ever seen a comic strip?! .......................................................

 

[hawg_ryder]

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