Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[hawg_ryder]

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth & a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job, I don't like taking advantage of the System, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2018 Mercedes-Benz CL & he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her 20's and has a strong sex drive.
The guy, wide-eyed, said,"You're bul*lshi*ttin' me???"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it." ...

 

[hawg_ryder]

Folks, it was a near thing let me tell ya!

I'm at the emergency room. Yesterday was not a good day. Why did I decide to go horseback riding, something I've never done? It turned out to be a huge mistake. I got on the horse and started out slow, but then we went a little faster, and before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off, but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me. It wouldn't stop.
Thank goodness the manager at the toy store came out and unplugged the machine.


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[Johnny Acree]

Two medical students saw a man limping down the street outside the teaching hospital.
One student told the other "That limp is due to arthritis of the hip".
"No" said the other "he has an artificial leg".
"Lets ask him" said the first student and they went up to the man. "I hope you don't mind sir but we are medical students from the hospital and we are interested in your limp".
He went on to explain their respective theories.
The limping man looked at them with pity and said--"you thought it was arthritis and you are wrong, you think it"s a wooden leg and you're wrong, I thought it was a fart and I was wrong".

 

[Coss]

Once in the middle of the night two little boys got up to get some water from the kitchen.

On their way past their parent’s bedroom they heard a funny sound coming out from there. The oldest boy looked into the keyhole.

He backed up and said, "I can't believe it!”

The younger brother looked in afterwards and said, "And she yells at me for sucking my thumb!” ..........................

 

[Coss]

"What is a contingent fee?" asked the potential client.

The lawyer took a deep breath and then answered.
"A contingent fee to a lawyer means that if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win your suit, you get nothing." ...................

 

[hawg_ryder]

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[hawg_ryder]

I miss Ol' Wilford Brimley....

Happy Halloween!

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[hawg_ryder]

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[hawg_ryder]

Ya gotta run what ya brung!


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[hawg_ryder]

Yeah, but the first real one hits we'll all be bitchin' about it!


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