Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[hawg_ryder]

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


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[Coss]

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue.

Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day.
But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.
So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!" .................................

 

[Coss]

The man walks up to the pretty lady at the end of the bar, ready with his (so believed) best pick-up line.

"How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

"Unfertilized," she answers casually, and then walks away.............................................................

 

[Coss]

“You don’t seem to like the new tutor?” his mother asked.

“I hate her,” screamed little Johnny, “I’d like to grab her and bite her on the back of the neck... like daddy does.”..............

 

[Coss]

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school.
He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm.

At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said,
"Father, father! In one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"

His father responded, "You idiot! We lived on the funding of that case for ten years!" ..................

 

[Coss]

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress.
One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring, we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the Flower Show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrills whistling.

The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement!" .........................................................................

 

[Coss]

A reporter asked this dumb redneck what he thought about the President's Civil Rights Bill.

He answered, “If he owes it, I reckon he should pay it."..................................

 

[Coss]

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you!
I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.
She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.
Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.
A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news.
"Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained.
"Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father." ....................

 

[hawg_ryder]

4 da Trekkies...

 

[hawg_ryder]

Ho Ho Ho!

...


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