Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Mark BEX]

I was in Thailand the other week and got on a local, crowded bus.

The bus stopped at a stop, and on got a very delicious, smoking hot chick with tight shorts, small waist and a tight top demonstrating her pair of lovely assets.

She sat down squeezed up hard against me, and all I could think of was 'Don't get an erection, don't get an erection' ...... but too late, she did.

 

[hawg_ryder]

Blonde Joke time...
A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.
The boy looks at her incredulously and says,

"Because I'm the Goalie !"


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[Coss]

Here's a oldie but a goodie....

A man is walking and sees a sign that says: "MAKE MY DONKEY LAUGH AND WIN $200!"

The man thought, what the hell. He goes up to the man at the booth and asks, "How much?"

The man at the booth replies, "Fifty dollars, please." He gives the $50. The man went around the wall to the donkey, whispered something into it's ear.
The donkey laughed hard and laughed loud. The man had got his $200 and was on his way.

The next month he was walking the same rout again, and he sees a sign that says: "MAKE MY DONKEY CRY AND WIN $200."

So he walks up to the booth and again, pays the $50. He goes around the wall to the donkey and whispers something in its ear.
When he comes around the donkey is balling his eyes out crying. Then the man at the booth says, " How did you make him laugh and cry?"

"Well, when I made him laugh I said my penis was bigger than his. Then to make him cry, I showed him."

 

[Mark BEX]

My Uncle recently died of asbestosis.

We cremated him last week, we were there for 3 days.

 

[hawg_ryder]

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[Coss]

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?"

The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, "Anything else?"

The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?"

The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops. The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog's neck.

The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house and began to scratch at the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there."

The owner said, "He's not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."

 

[Mark BEX]

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. Then I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"

"Because the dog's a damn liar. He's never been out of this yard...."

 

[Coss]

A guy rushed into the bar and told the bartender, "The beers are on me! My wife ran away with my best friend!"

The bartender smiled and said, "That's a shame, how come you aren't unhappy?"

"Hell no, I'm not unhappy," replied the guy. "They saved me a fortune... both of then were pregnant!" ............................

 

[Coss]

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice looking girl behind the wheel.
There was a strong liquor smell all over the car.

"I am going to give you a Breathalyzer test,” he said. “That will show whether or not you are under the influence of alcohol.”

She blew up the balloon and the cop walked it back to the police car. After a minute or two, he returned to the girl’s car.
“Well, it looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones,” he said.

“You mean it shows that too?!?!” she asked, surprised.

 

[hawg_ryder]

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