Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

The new neighborhood supermarket has an automatic water mister to Keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more! ...............................................................................................

 

[Coss]

A nurse was telling a gorgeous co-worker about the Canadian sailor who was a patient in Ward Ten.
“He’s tattooed,” she confided in a low voice, “in a very intimate place!”

“You, mean – “ grasped the beautiful nurse.

“Yes! Isn’t that odd? There’s actually a word tattooed there, it says 'Swan.’’’

“This I’ve got to see,” exclaimed the voluptuous one, and she hurried off to Ward Ten. Half an hour later, she returned.

“You were right,” she said, “he is tattooed there. But the word is ‘Saskatchewan’!’’

 

[Coss]

Going to see her shrink, Gwen said, “You have to do something! Every time I go on a date,
I always end up doing all kinds of perverted sexual acts. And then I spend the next day feeling guilty.”

“I understand,” said the doctor. “We’ll work on improving your willpower.”

“No!” she declared. “I want you to work on getting rid of the guilt!” .....................................................................

 

[Coss]

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference,
so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.

Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last nights events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you... you stinkin' bloody mosquito. ............................................................

 

[Coss]

A woman talks to her priest after services one day and says, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank.
Our prayers have been answered!" ...........................................................................................................

 

[Coss]

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked.

Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere,
he asked, "Is that for sale?"

"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.

Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising." ..........................................................

 

[Coss]

On the battlefield an Officer orders a Soldier to try and save a military warehouse that’s been set on fire by the enemy.
To get to a hose the soldier dodges bullets, wipes out a machine gun nest, and blows up an enemy tank.

He then climbs all over the burning building and extinguish every flame he can find. On the way back he kills three men barehanded,
shoots down an enemy helicopter, and destroys and enemy base. The Officer salutes him.
“That was the most heroic thing I ever saw,” he says. “You’ll get a medal for saving that warehouse.”
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“Warehouse?” says the soldier, “I thought you said ‘whorehouse’!” ..............................................

 

[Coss]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag.
The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.

In less than five minutes, a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.
His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop
tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you high rolling lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Didn’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.

"OH MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer, "My Rolex!" .............................................................

 

[Coss]

How are tornadoes and marriage alike?


They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

 

[Coss]

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt,
with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
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The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well... last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea." .