Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

Sally says to her friend, “My husband is so absentminded.
Yesterday we were making love on the couch when the doorbell rang, and he got up and answered it.”

Her friend says, “What is so absentminded about that?”

Sally replies, “He took me with him.”

 

[Coss]

A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet.
When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him 3 wishes. “I’d love an ice cold beer right now," he asked the genie.

Poof! A beer appeared. Next, the man said, "I wish to be on an island surrounded by beautiful women."

Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him. For his final wish, “I wish I never had to work again!"

Poof! He was back at his desk in the government office..............................................................................................

 

[Coss]

A blonde is filling up an application form for a job. She supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address, etc.

Then she comes to column on "Salary Expected".
She is not sure of the question.
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Keep going...
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After much thought, she writes "Yes". ..................................................................................................................................

 

[Coss]

A man is playing golf with his wife. They have just finished the first hole, when a ball comes flying over, knocking the woman to the ground.

The husband couldn't revive his wife, so he ran all the way to the clubhouse.
"Is there a doctor in the house, my wife has just been hit by a golf ball!" he called.

"I'm a doctor," chimed up an old chap at the bar. "Where was she hit?"

The man replied, "In between the first and the second holes!"

The doctor said, "Well, that won't leave much room for a bandage!" ........................................

 

[Coss]

At a Harvard-Yale football game a man from Harvard and a man from Yale end up at the urinal together. When the two men finished the man from Harvard headed for the sink while the man from Yale headed for the door.

The man from Harvard says, " At Harvard they teach us to wash our hands after we pee."

The man from Yale replies, "At Yale they teach us not to pee on our hands.".....................................................

 

[Coss]

The butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night he was awakened by strange noises, coming from the shop.

He tiptoed downstairs and observed that his 21-year-old daughter was sitting on the chopping block and was masturbating with a liverwurst.
He sighed and tiptoed back to bed.

The next morning, one of his customers came in and asked for some liverwurst. The butcher explained that he did not have any.

The woman was annoyed. She pointed and said, “No liverwurst, eh? Well, what’s that hanging on the hook right over there?”

The embarrassed butcher frowned at her and replied, “That, lady, is my new son-in-law.”

 

[Coss]

A man was at a zoo and noticed one of the Orangutans dressing up and combing his hair. The man asked the Orangutan,
“Why are you getting all dressed up?”

The Orangutan answered, “Mating season starts today.”

“Orangutans have a mating season?”

“Don't humans have a mating season?”

The lonely man responded, “Is anytime I can get it a season?” ......................

 

[Coss]

Two women having lunch together are discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.”

The second woman says, “Oh that’s nothing. I’m thinking of having my ass bleached.”

To which the first replies, “Whoa! I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde...............................................................................

 

[Coss]

A typical macho man married a good looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules.
He said, “I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want. And I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner.
I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night...
whether you’re here or not.” ..................................................................................................

 

[Coss]

Two older women meet at bingo. "You're late this week Ethel," says one woman to the other. "Did you come on the bus?"

"Yes," replied Ethel, "but I managed to pass it off as an asthma attack!" ........................................................