Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[hawg_ryder]

Dating a twin...

So, I'm dating a twin and a friend of mine asked me how in the world I could tell them apart...
Easy I said... Stacy has a small beauty mark on her cheek, and Frank has a beard.


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[Coss]

A young cowboy walks into a seedy café in Laramie, Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded,
staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead. Have at it."

Eagerly, the young cowboy slides the bowl over and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was so shocking he immediately loses his meal.
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The old cowboy tightens his lips and says, "Yep, that's about as far as I got, too."...…..... ….......................

 

[hawg_ryder]

The two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8-year-old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?”The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE is GOD?!”
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time!”
“GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!”




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[hawg_ryder]

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[Coss]

A 90 year old man finally gets to see a doctor. The doctor asks him to explain the problem. The man says he wants the Dr. to lower his sex drive.

The Dr. is taken aback a bit but finally asks the man, "Just how old are you?"

The man answers, "I am 90."

The doctor, still a little confused, says "You are 90 and you want your sex drive lowered?"

"Yes," said the man, "it's all in my head and I want you to lower it."

 

[Coss]

A woman walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The woman then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said,
"Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!
That's against the law! I'll lose my license and they'll throw you and I in jail.
Just leave and forget you ever came in here before I call the police."

The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription.”

 

[Coss]

A snake’s eyesight is failing so it pays a visit to the optometrist. “It’s actually affecting my life. I can’t hunt anymore because I can’t see.”
The doctor fits the snake for glasses and the snake immediately notices an improvement in his eyesight.

A week later, the doctor calls the snake to check how the glasses are holding up. “They are fine,” the snake, answers.
“But now I’m being treated for depression.”

“Depression?” asked the doctor.

“Yeah, my eyesight cleared up, but it made me realize I’ve been dating a garden hose.” ……..............

 

[Mel]

Speaking of garden hoses; Did you hear about the Aggie who went to the post office trying to buy a 50' long shipping tube?

His neighbor moved away and forgot his garden hose and the Aggie wanted to ship it to him.

 

[hawg_ryder]

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[Coss]

Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.

Judge: What were you doing?

1st man: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.

Judge: And what were you doing?

2nd man: I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too.

Judge: Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?

3rd man: No, sir. I AM Peanuts! …………………………........................................................