Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

Two colleagues opened an office in a small town and put a sign reading 'Dr. Smith and Dr. Stein, Psychiatry and G2Proctology'.

The town council was not pleased with the sign so the doctors changed it to read 'Minds and Behinds'.
This was not acceptable either, so they tried again with 'Schizoids and Hemorrhoids'. Not accepted.

After a third try of 'Catatonics and High Colonic' was not accepted and they were near wits end,
the doctors made one final proposal, which to their eternal relief, the council accepted... 'Dr. Smith and Dr. Stein, Odds and Ends'.

 

[Coss]

What did the elephant say to the naked guy standing in front of him?

"How do you breath through something that small?"

 

[hawg_ryder]

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[hawg_ryder]

Car Keys!
They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen.
As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police.
I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice."Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!”


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[hawg_ryder]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this f*cking badge?!
This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your f*cking BADGE!!"


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[Travelbuzz1]

The great leader doesn't know that the Chiefs are from Missouri.

 

[hawg_ryder]

The great leader doesn't know that the Chiefs are from Missouri.

Aww shucks guys give him a break... Where he comes from the New York Giants and the New York Jets play in New Jersey, and they have to share the stadium! At least he knows how many States we have unlike the last guy...

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[Coss]

A teacher thought it would be nice to let her class guess some jellybeans flavors.
So the next day she brought some jellybeans and the kids got most of the answers correct.

"This next one is going to be a little more difficult. Here's a clue, it's what your Mom calls your Dad.”

Right away a little boy named Tony spits it out and shouts, "Spit it out, it's an asshole!"

 

[hawg_ryder]

We're coming into crawfish season down here on the Gulf Coast... Also known as crawdads, mudbugs, ditch shrimp, fresh water lobster, crayfish and this one I hadn't seen before...

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[hawg_ryder]

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