Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

A lawyer, laying on his deathbed in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible.
Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea, so she ran and got it.

As soon as she returned with the Bible, the lawyer snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting left and right.
Curious, his wife asked, "What are you doing, honey?"

"I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.

 

[NSTG8R]

and counting!
View attachment 23860


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Ironically, the day you posted that I did indeed need to use some algebra! Had some molds made up at work for some urethane guards I'm making [work related stuff]. I figured the volume of each mold no problem, and using the specs of the two-part urethane the total weight of urethane required came out to 45 grams. Well, the urethane mix ratio is 85:'A' to 100:'B'....algebra REQUIRED! Messed with trying to solve it for 20 mins or so, then got ahold of one of our Liaison Engineers. Problem solved!

Really do need to brush up on algebra and trig. Taking some online electronic courses that use it a lot.

 

[Coss]

The definitive answer to the age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and here is the reason for that conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you NEVER hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

 

[hawg_ryder]

Ironically, the day you posted that I did indeed need to use some algebra! Had some molds made up at work for some urethane guards I'm making [work related stuff]. I figured the volume of each mold no problem, and using the specs of the two-part urethane the total weight of urethane required came out to 45 grams. Well, the urethane mix ratio is 85:'A' to 100:'B'....algebra REQUIRED! Messed with trying to solve it for 20 mins or so, then got ahold of one of our Liaison Engineers. Problem solved!

Really do need to brush up on algebra and trig. Taking some online electronic courses that use it a lot.

Shucks NSTG8R, just get you one of these...
https://www.amazon.com/Calculated-I...459056&sprefix=contractors+cal,aps,167&sr=8-2

This reminds me of a story about Thomas Edison who walked up on a young engineer that was working for him... Edison observed him with an irregular shaped glass envelope (light bulb), calipers, slide rule and a couple of pages of calculations. When Edison asked what he was doing, the engineer replied he was trying to calculate the total volume of the bulb... Edison picked up the bulb, filled it with water, and then poured it into a graduated beaker. Handed the beaker to the young man and said "it's this much", and walked away...


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[Coss]

Carl is talking to a girl in a New York City bar, he says, “Can I get you a drink?

The girl replies, “Certainly.”

Carl asks, “What would you like?”

The girl says, “Champagne.”

Carl says, “Why Champagne?”

The girl says, “Because when I drink champagne I imagine I am a goddess on the Nile, draped in a long robe, relaxing peacefully, with servants fanning me and dropping peeled grapes into my mouth.”

Curious Carl asks, “What if I just buy you a draft beer?”

The girl replies, “I’ll cut wet farts all night.”

 

[Coss]

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, and then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, “You need more tail!”

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!”

 

[hawg_ryder]

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[hawg_ryder]

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[hawg_ryder]

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[Coss]

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk?
Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman as he smiled smugly, "How about global warming; universal health care; or stimulus packages?"

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.