Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"

The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with, "Your father is fishing in Michigan."

The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years."

"No," replied the super computer immediately. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."

 

[Coss]

A nun is riding a long in a cab when the taxi driver says: "May I ask a favor, sister? It’s my fantasy to kiss a nun."

Nun: "Okay, but are you a Catholic and single?"

Driver: "I am both." (The nun fulfilled driver's fantasy and kissed him.)

Driver: "Thank you sister. But I confess I lied. I'm married and a Muslim."

Nun: "That's ok, because I lied too. I'm attending a costume party and my name is Carlo."

 

[hawg_ryder]

Now this cat's got it figured out!

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[hawg_ryder]

Always good advice I'm thinkin'


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[hawg_ryder]

Sad but true!


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[Coss]

Four nuns are out driving in the church Rambler, headed back to the convent after a night of bingo. It's a rainy night.
Regretfully, the car spun out of control, plunged off a cliff, and they all died.

When they arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Nun number one, what did you sin when you were alive?"

"Well, I once saw a man's penis," she replied.

"Good grief. Take some of the holy water, wash out your eyes, and come on in. We'll let you slide this time."

"Nun number two, what did you sin when you were alive?"

"Well, I once touched a man's penis," she replied.

"Oh Lord. Take some of the holy water, wash out your eyes and your hands, and come on in."

Nun number four then skipped in front of nun number three, and said, "Excuse me, I'd like to gargle before she sits in that water!"

 

[JK]

A biker's wife was seriously ill, and after calling all over town, he finally found a young doctor who would make a house call. Upon arriving, the physician went upstairs to examine the lady. Minutes later he came back down and said, "I need a screwdriver." The biker found one and gave it to the doctor, who raced upstairs. But he was soon back again.
"Got any pliers?" Once more the now-frantic biker found the requested item and gave it to the doctor, who raced upstairs. Almost immediately he returned. "I need a hammer and a chisel."
"Dammit, Doc!" exclaimed the biker. "What the f?@# is wrong with my old lady?"
"I don't know yet," said the doctor. "I can't get my f?@#in' bag open."

 

[Johnny Acree]

 

[Coss]

One day at CCD class Sam sat behind Pam. The teacher asked, "Who created this world?"

Sam pokes Pam in the back of the neck with a toothpick. Pam screams, "JESUS!"

Then the teacher asks, "Who is God's son?"

Sam pokes Pam in the back of the neck again and she screams, "JESUS CHRIST!"

Then the teacher asks, "What did Eve say to Adam after they had their 23rd child?"

Sam pokes Pam in the back of the neck again and Pam turned around and said, "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'll break it in half!"

 

[hawg_ryder]

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