Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

A woman hears that her 98-year-old grandfather has died, and journeys to see her grandmother.
After the funeral, she asks, "How did it happen, Granny?"

"Well, dear, it happened while we were making love one Sunday morning."

"My goodness, Granny, two people almost 100 years old shouldn't be having sex!" the granddaughter exclaims.

Her grandmother replies, "Well, dear, it's really a matter of patience and timing.
You see, we pace ourselves to the sound of the church bells down the street.
In with the ding, out with the dong... and we were doing fine until that damned ice cream truck came by!"

 

[Coss]

Yesterday, scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started to talk nonsense and couldn't drive.

 

[Coss]

An old woman goes to visit her daughter and finds her naked, waiting for her husband. “Why are you naked?” the mother asks.

“This is the dress of love.”

When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband in the rocking chair.
When he arrives, he is startled and asks, “Why on earth are you naked, woman?”

“This is the dress of love,” she coos.

“Hmmm,” he says. “I think you need to break out the iron.”

 

[Jambe]

For St. Patrick's Day...

If you want to say something with an Irish accent try:
“Whale Oil Beef Hooked”

 

[Coss]

A woman walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist, "Sir, do you have cotton balls?"

Pharmacist replies, "Lady, do I look like a teddy bear to you?"

 

[Coss]

"Is there a woman here in need of assistance?" asked the medic from the ambulance as he knocked on the door.

"Yes," replied the man opening the door. "It's my wife. She has an electric vibrator lodged in her."

"Well, we'll have to transport her to the hospital," the medic replied. "Those things can be tricky to remove."

"Never mind," said the husband. "It can wait.
We have an HMO which doesn't allow Emergency Room visits except for life threatening incidents.
But for now, could you at least turn it off? It's interfering with the TV."

 

[Coss]

There was an Indian, a caveman, and a cowboy. One day they ran out of food and decided to go hunting.
The Indian went out and got a bear. The caveman and the cowboy said, "How did you get that?"

He said, "Me find tracks, me follow tracks, me get bear."

So the next day the cowboy went out and got a deer. The caveman said, ”How did you get that?"

He said, "Me find tracks, me follow tracks, me get deer."

So when the caveman got back from his hunt all bloody, and disfigured, the Indian and cowboy asked, ”How did that happen?"

The caveman replied, "Me find tracks, me follow tracks, me get hit by train!"

 

[Coss]

"What's the difference between medium and rare?"

"I'm not sure."

"Two inches."

"Two inches?"

"Six inches is medium… but eight inches is RARE!"

 

[Mel]

3 college students decide to go hunting.
Guy from Austin (Texas University) shows up with a jug of water. He is asked why? "I figure if we get thirsty, we can have a drink of water."
Guy from Waco (Baylor) shows up with a sack of sandwiches. He is asked why? "I figure if we get hungry, we can have a bite to eat."
Guy from College Station (A&M) shows up with a car door. He is asked why? "I figure if we get hot, we can roll the window down!"

 

[hawg_ryder]

Last Will and testament

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak. "My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says:

"Mrs Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.

The wife replies, "The asshole has a paper route".


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