Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

It was the foreigner’s first time at a baseball game.
His friend cheered wildly each time a batter came to the plate, and after a while the foreigner cheered as well.

After Vinnie DiFate had had his turn at bat, the foreigner shouted, “Run, Vinnie, run!”

“No,” his friend said, “Vinnie has four balls, so he walks.”

Eyes wide, the foreigner yelled, “Walk tall, Vinnie! Walk tall!”

 

[Coss]

A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.

"1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin.
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly."

She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the outhouse door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."

She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5."

 

[W. WIllie]

Now that goes back to the early 50 era.

 

[Coss]

Big Bob, a strapping lad standing 6ft 5 went to his doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem."
"But if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise me, and I mean it, not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"And you're a mighty big fellow for anyone to be laughing at!"

"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had seen in all his years.
Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it absolutely will not happen again."
"Ever. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"Isn't it obvious Doc, it's swollen!"

 

[Johnny Acree]

 

[Coss]

A prominent young lawyer died on his way to court, and found himself before the gates of Heaven.
When he arrived, a chorus of angels appeared, singing in his honor.

St. Peter himself came out to shake his hand. "Mr Jones," said St. Peter, "it is a great honor to have you here at last.
You are the first being to break Methuselah's record for longevity.
You have lived 1026 years."

"What are you talking about?" asked the lawyer. "I'm 46."

"46? But aren't you Steven Jones? The lawyer from Brooklyn"

"Yes," the lawyer answered.

"Let me check the records," said St. Peter. He slapped his hand against his forehead. "Oh, how silly of us."
"Now I see the mistake! We accidentally calcluated your age by adding up the hours you billed to your clients!"

 

[Coss]

The high priced lawyer was sitting in his office when his secretary announced the arrival of a new client, who turned out to be a very sexy young mother.

“I want to divorce my husband,” said the woman.

“On what grounds?” asked the lawyer.

“Infidelity,” she replied. “I don’t think my husband has been faithful to me.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Well,” she said, “ I don’t think he is the father of my son.”

 

[Coss]

We were not particularly surprised to learn recently that Democrats generally have more children than Republicans.

After all, who ever heard of anyone enjoying a good piece of elephant?

 

[Coss]

Little Johnny rushed home from school and told his mom, "Mommy, mommy, I saw Daddy driving by my school with Aunty Joan into the woods.
I followed them and saw Daddy taking Aunty Joan's clothes off..."

The mom stopped him. ”Wait. Little Johnny, that's a beautiful story. Why don’t you wait to when Daddy gets home to tell it."

So after supper mommy asks little Johnny to tell his story. He starts over,
"Today I say daddy and Aunty Joan driving by my school into the woods. When I followed them,"
"I saw daddy taking off Aunty Joan's clothes and Aunty Joan taking daddy's clothes off."

"And they did what you and Uncle Chris did when daddy was away!"

(Ahhh out of the mouths of babe's)

 

[Coss]

This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, “Doctor, take a look at me.
When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had the corpse-like look on my face! What’s wrong with me, doctor?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, and then calmly says, “Well, I can tell you that there is nothing wrong with your eyesight….”