Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[hawg_ryder]

Male logic...Flawless...

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about six.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $3.50 which includes a tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 25 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $3.50 and you have six beers a day which puts your spending each month at $640. In one year, it would be approximately $7,680 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $7,680, not accounting for inflation, the past 25 years puts your spending at $192,600 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 25 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari F12 Berlinetta.

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: Where is your Ferrari?


_hr

 

[hawg_ryder]

I couldn't resist...

_hr

 

[Coss]

The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed. It just doesn’t get more accurate than that.

 

[Coss]

TEACHER: "Brian, what's one plus one?"

The kid holds up his fingers and counts two.
BRIAN: "Two!"

TEACHER: "Good job, what's three plus three?"

The kid holds up his fingers and counts six.
BRIAN: "Six!"

TEACHER: "Good job, now put your hands in your pocket and tell me what's five plus five?"

The kid put his hands in his pocket and starts counting in his head and tells the teacher.
BRIAN: "Eleven!"

 

[Coss]

Two women are having lunch together, discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job."

The second woman says, "Oh that’s nothing, I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached."

The first woman replies, "Funny, I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde."

 

[Coss]

Two housewives met in the local supermarket. One had filled her shopping cart with Vaseline.
She explained, “They are going to raise the price so, I’m stocking up.”

The other woman replied, “I’d never go to such extremes to save money. I’m not that tight.”

 

[Coss]

Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar.
"What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down."

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."

"Why's that?"

"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

 

[Coss]

“What’s that drink you’re mixing?” the stranger asked the bartender in the exotic Caribbean bar.

“I call this a rum dandy,” said the bartender.

“What’s in it?” asked the stranger.

“Sugar, milk, and rum,” said the bartender.

“Is it good?” asked the stranger.

“Sure,” said the barkeep. “The sugar gives you pep, the milk gives you energy.”

“And the rum?” asked the stranger.

“Ideas about what to do with all that pep and energy,” replied the bartender.

 

[3wheelin]

The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed. It just doesn’t get more accurate than that.

 

[3wheelin]

Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar.
"What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down."

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."

"Why's that?"

"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."