Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

A little boy was sitting on the curb crying and an old man who was passing by came over to him.
“What’s the matter, little boy?” he asked. “Why are you crying?”

The little boy said, “I’m crying because I can’t do what the big boys do.”

The old man sat down on the curb and cried too.

 

[Coss]

A guy is dating three women and can't decide which one to marry. He gives each $1,000 to see how well they can manage money.

The first one spends $800 and puts $200 in the bank.
The second one spends $200 and puts $800 in the bank.
The third one puts the whole $1,000 in the bank.

Which one does he end up marrying?

The one with the biggest boobs.

 

[Johnny Acree]

https://www.thebigshow.com/vod_html5/archive.php?view=&v=2019-03-25

 

[Ty]

https://www.thebigshow.com/vod_html5/archive.php?view=&v=2019-03-25

I've had his "Technically Funny" DVD for what seems like forever. Pretty funny guy.

 

[Coss]

In front of her husband, a woman blamed the housekeeper for her missing underwear.

The housekeeper turns to the woman’s husband and says, "Sir, you are my witness, you know I never wear panties!"

 

[Coss]

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice looking girl behind the wheel.
There was a strong liquor smell all over the car.

"I am going to give you a Breathalyzer test,” he said. “That will show whether or not you are under the influence of alcohol.”

She blew up the balloon and the cop walked it back to the police car. After a minute or two, he returned to the girl’s car.
“Well, it looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones,” he said.

“You mean it shows that too?!?!” she asked, surprised.

 

[hawg_ryder]

A drunk staggers into the Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'... There's no paper on this side either."



_hr

 

[Coss]

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

"We better get some support or people will think we're nuts!"

 

[Coss]

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view),
three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there."

The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there.

The third guy said," I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there."

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said,

"Why don't you go to hell... there aren't any nuns there."

 

[Coss]

Three guys are at the water cooler talking about their dates the previous night.
Paul insists, “My date must be a nurse, because she said, ‘Lie back and relax. This won't hurt a bit.'"

Neil concludes that his girl must be a schoolteacher, because she said, “Do it over and over until you get it right.”

Tom figures that his date must be a flight attendant, because she said, “Put this over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe normally.”