Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

In the week before his marriage, David sowed the last of his wild oats with all the girls he’d ever dated.
At the end of that time his penis was literally twisted and broken.
David begged his doctor to help him, but the best the physician could do was create a makeshift splint, taping the worn member between four thin slats.

On his wedding night David crawled into bed with his new bride, wondering what he’d tell her about his ravaged organ.

The woman spread her legs. “Look, honey,” she said. “Never been touched by a man.”

David undid his pajama pants. “Look, honey,” he said, “still in its original crate!”

 

[Mel]

Young man got his leg shot off in the war just before being discharged. Came home to his fiancée not quite knowing how to break the news to her. He had an artificial leg that he learned to use beautifully so no one even noticed. On the wedding night he quietly slipped off the artificial leg and slid it under the bed. When his Bride got into bed, he said, "I've not figured out how to tell you this, but I have a slight problem." He took her hand and rubbed it around on the stump of his leg and asked, "Well what do you think?"
She replied, "BOY, I don't know, but grease it up and we'll give it a try!"

 

[Coss]

The only reason I’d take up jogging again…

… is so I could hear heavy breathing again!

 

[hawg_ryder]

Pondering the imponderable!

AMBIGUITY & IDIOSYNCRASIES:

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA ... FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID, "IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE."

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF,IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER
PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
(This one took me a minute)

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF
"ASSTEROIDS"?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE
BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?


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[hawg_ryder]

Ya think?

CNN right on top of it as usual...


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[Mel]

If all the cars in the U.S. were lined up bumper to bumper around the world...............................Some idiot would try to pass!

 

[NSTG8R]

View attachment 23323 Ya think?

CNN right on top of it as usual...


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Forward that pic to everybody I know out here [at Boeing]. Definitely news to us!

 

[Coss]

Good one hawg, a couple of them had me cracking up

 

[hawg_ryder]

Prostate Examination-

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says, "99".
The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, “Very good”.
Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins,

"One...





two…




three…"


You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing!



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[hawg_ryder]

Good one hawg, a couple of them had me cracking up

Glad you liked it Coss… A little humor never hurts...

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