Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

The missionary is teaching the native chief English.
As they walk through the jungle he points out various things and tells the chief its name in English.
The chief would then repeat the word.

"VINE... BUSH... TREE..."

As they penetrate the dense jungle, they pull back the vines and there in a clearing, is a man and woman making love.
The missionary is at a loss for words.
How can he explain this to the chief? Finally he turns to the native and says, "MAN ON SLED!"

The chief raises his spear and throws it at the couple.
The spear strikes the man in the side and he rolls off the woman, dead.


The missionary is shocked, "Why did you do that?" he cried.

"Man on MY sled!" said the chief.

 

[Coss]

“It’s common knowledge,” said the zoology student, “that elephants have their genital in their feet.”

“Really?” said the professor.

“Absolutely,” smiled the pupil. “If they step on you, you are fucked!”

 

[Coss]

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.

One day, deep in the wild, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak.
She watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused.
He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch.
In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always checks for squirrels."

 

[Mel]

The tribe Chief confronted the Missionary pointing out that his mate had just given birth to a blue eyed, blonde haired child and the missionary was the only blue eyed, blonde haired human in the jungle. The Missionary replied, "Well Chief I know it's rare but sometimes thing just happen! It's like occasionally there will be a black sheep born when all the other sheep are white."
The Chief thought for a minute and said, "Oh, now I understand! You no tell, I no tell!"

 

[Mel]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
.
.
.
.
.
.
To prove to the armadillo that it COULD be done!

 

[hawg_ryder]

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.

One day, deep in the wild, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak.
She watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused.
He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch.
In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always checks for squirrels."

In South Texas it'd be Aggies checking for fire ants!

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[Ty]

An old shepherd had a talking dog that went out with him to tend the sheep. One day, he decides to see if the dog could count the sheep. "Go out and bring in the sheep and count them." He knew he only had 57 sheep and it was taking the dog an awful long time. Finally, the dog gets the sheep into the pasture and says "There are 60 sheep." "Well", the old shepherd said "There are actually 57. What took you so long?" The dog looks at him and says "I was rounding up."

 

[Coss]

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in first class on a flight.
The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.
The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass.
The woman sneezes again.
She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.
The man is about to go nuts.
He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing.

A few more minutes pass.
The woman sneezes yet again.
She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
The man has finally had all he can handle.
He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs!"
"What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir.
I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

 

[Coss]

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist.
As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch.

The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."

The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we?"

 

[hawg_ryder]

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"American?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of American Airline's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?"



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