Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

A farmer was munching on a cookie as he watches the rooster chase a hen around.
Playfully, the farmer threw a piece of cookie to the ground.

Seeing it, the rooster stopped chasing the hen and ran to the piece of cookie.

The farmer shook his head slowly and said, “Gosh, I hope I never get that hungry.”

 

[hawg_ryder]

Look! He got a toy with his Happy Meal...

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[hawg_ryder]

John Cassis is one of our nation’s finest motivational speakers. He told a story recently about a time when he was serving as a Chaplain for the Chicago Bears during their glory years of the 80’s. As John tells it, Mike Ditka was about to deliver a locker room pep talk one day. He looked up and saw defensive tackle William “Refrigerator” Perry. How could he not see him? At 338 pounds, the Fridge stood out even in a crowd of pro football players. Ditka gestured to the Fridge. “When I get finished,” he said, “I’d like you to close with the Lord’s Prayer.” Then the coach began his talk.

Meanwhile, Jim McMahon, the brash and outspoken quarterback, nudged John Cassis. “Look at Perry.” McMahon whispered, “He doesn’t know the Lord’s Prayer.”

Sure enough, Perry sat with a look of panic on his face, his head in his hands. He was sweating profusely. “Everybody knows the Lord’s Prayer!” said Cassis to McMahon in disbelief. After a few minutes of watching the Refrigerator leaking several gallons of sweat, McMahon nudged Cassis again. “I’ll bet you 50 bucks Fridge doesn’t know the Lord’s Prayer.”

As Cassis tells the story, he stops to reflect on the absurdity of it all: “Here we were sitting in chapel and betting 50 bucks on the Lord’s Prayer.” When Coach Ditka finished his pep talk, he asked all the men to remove their caps. Then he nodded at Perry and bowed his head. It was quiet for a few moments before the Fridge spoke in a shaky voice, “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord, my soul to keep…”

Cassis felt a tap on his shoulder. It was Jim McMahon. “Here’s the 50 dollars,”McMahon whispered. “I had no idea Perry knew the Lord’s Prayer!”


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[Coss]

A man suggest a $1 bar bet to a well endowed young lady that despite her dress being buttoned to the neck, he could touch her breast without touching her clothes.

Since this didn’t seem remotely possible, she is intrigued and accepts the bet.
He steps up, cups his hands around her breasts and squeezes firmly. With a baffled look, she says, “Hey, you touched my clothes!”
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And he replies, “Okay, here’s your dollar."

 

[Coss]

"Sir, you are parking in a disabled only space, may I ask what is your disability?" said the policeman, observing a perfectly fit and healthy man parking his car.
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The man replied, "Tourettes. Now fuck off."

 

[Johnny Acree]

 

[Coss]

A 50 year old woman goes to the gynecologist for her annual appointment.
Returning home she was so happy, that her husband asked, “What are you so happy about?”

She replied, "I am so happy the doctor said I have the tits of a twenty year old!"

The husband says, "Oh yeah, what did he say about your 50-year-old ass?"

She happily replied, “He didn't even ask about you.”

 

[Coss]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After the surgery was complete, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

[hawg_ryder]

Been there dun that!


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[hawg_ryder]

Ouch!


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