Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

The pharmacist proudly showed Mr. Johnson his newest product. “It’s an apple that tastes like a woman.”

Curious, Mr. Johnson took a bite. He spat violently, “This doesn't taste like a woman, this tastes like shit!"

The pharmacist turned it around. “Sorry,” he said, “you bit the wrong side.”

 

[hawg_ryder]

and in the same vein...

You know what the difference is between herpes and mono?

Well, you get mono from snatching a kiss...



_hr

 

[Coss]

Three storks meet and ask each other, “Where are you going today?”

“Hooo, I'm going to a couple trying to have a child for 10 years... I bring them a little girl."

"That’s cool! And you?”

“I am going to see a lady who has never had children. I bring her a boy!"

“Very well, I'm sure she'll be really happy."

And you?” The first two ask the third stork.

“Me? I am going over to the nearby convent."
"I would never bring them anything, but I love to scare them.”

 

[hawg_ryder]

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Michigan and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those broads with the big racks, the tight shorts and the legs."
"You're on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again.
"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again? Why?"
"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters.
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."

At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price"
"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door."
"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Because we've never been there before."
"Okay."

Funny, but with an unfortunate ring of truth at the end!


_hr

 

[Johnny Acree]

I had this joke copied and was lookin for that place I post jokes every now and then,,, Then I realized that's where I copied it from

 

[larryboy]

What is the difference between parsley and pussy? Nobody eats parsley!

 

[Coss]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions", he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

 

[Coss]

Bob is injured in a car accident and is admitted to hospital. He ends up in a men’s ward, next to Joe and Phil.
Phil yells out to the nurse, "Hey nurse, I need to take a piss!"

The nurse comes over and says, "Don’t talk like that here, please. Say I need to do number one."

Some time later, Joe yells out to the nurse, "Hey nurse, I need to take a shit!"

The nurse comes over and says, "Please don't talk like that. Say I need to do number two."

Some time later, Bob calls the nurse over and whispers to her, "Nurse, I need to take a shit but I haven't been given a number yet."

 

[Coss]

Q: What has 132 teeth and holds back a monster?

A: The zipper on my jeans.

 

[hawg_ryder]

_hr