Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

A veterinarian is feeling ill and goes to see her doctor.
The doctor asks her all the usual questions about symptoms, how long they have been occurring, etc.

She interrupts him, “Hey look, I’m a vet.
I don’t need to ask my patients these kinds of questions.
I can tell what’s wrong just by looking. Why can’t you?"

The doctor nods, looks her up and down, writes out a prescription, and hands it to her.
"There you are. Of course, if that doesn’t work, we’ll have to have you put down."

 

[hawg_ryder]

_hr

 

[Coss]

And my neighbor (retired Marine) goes to Starbucks for his wife, every day and buys what she wants.
Does that make sense to anyone?
When I asked him about it, he just grins and says "its what she says she wants" and goes inside.
I just grin and say I'm glad it's not me.

 

[Coss]

Susan is great at doing head stands. She was advised by her mum not to practise it in her new school since her underwear is usually exposed.

Susan was proud at her achievement after her first day in school and was eager to tell Mum about the great audience of boys she attracted at school when showing off her skills.

Mother reminded her about exposing her panties of which Susan replied, "No Mum they were not seeing my panties."

"How come sweetie?", said Mum.

"Because I took them off Mum," she replied.

 

[Mel]

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What's up?"
Wife: "According to DNA test results, this is not our kid..."
Husband: "Well you don't remember, do you??? When we were leaving the
hospital, you noticed that our baby had pooped, then you said:
"Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. So I went
inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.”
Moral: Never give a man a job for which he is not qualified.

 

[Mel]

An Irishman's first drink with his son!
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories
came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny. He didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?
He didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a
Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast ,
Ireland 's finest whisky.
He wouldn't even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so
Sh---faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!

 

[Frim]

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What's up?"
Wife: "According to DNA test results, this is not our kid..."
Husband: "Well you don't remember, do you??? When we were leaving the
hospital, you noticed that our baby had pooped, then you said:
"Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. So I went
inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.”
Moral: Never give a man a job for which he is not qualified.

I have advised my boys against taking DNA tests. They may be shocked to learn that they may not have the same mother.

 

[Coss]

Early one morning, a rookie cop was on radar duty under a bridge. He observed a red Corvette traveling at a ridiculous speed.
Upon pulling the car over he asked the driver, " What's the hurry, Buddy?"

The driver calmly replied, " I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah, what exactly do you do?" asked the cop.

"I’m a Rectum Stretcher," the driver says.
"I stick one finger in the rectum, wriggle it around, and then when it's stretched large enough I move on to two fingers and so on until I make the rectum about 6 feet."

"What the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass?” the cop inquired.

"Well, apparently you give him a radar gun and tell him to hide under a bridge..."

 

[3wheelin]

A veterinarian is feeling ill and goes to see her doctor.
The doctor asks her all the usual questions about symptoms, how long they have been occurring, etc.

She interrupts him, “Hey look, I’m a vet.
I don’t need to ask my patients these kinds of questions.
I can tell what’s wrong just by looking. Why can’t you?"

The doctor nods, looks her up and down, writes out a prescription, and hands it to her.
"There you are. Of course, if that doesn’t work, we’ll have to have you put down."

 

[3wheelin]

Early one morning, a rookie cop was on radar duty under a bridge. He observed a red Corvette traveling at a ridiculous speed.
Upon pulling the car over he asked the driver, " What's the hurry, Buddy?"

The driver calmly replied, " I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah, what exactly do you do?" asked the cop.

"I’m a Rectum Stretcher," the driver says.
"I stick one finger in the rectum, wriggle it around, and then when it's stretched large enough I move on to two fingers and so on until I make the rectum about 6 feet."

"What the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass?” the cop inquired.

"Well, apparently you give him a radar gun and tell him to hide under a bridge..."