Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Made in USA]

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you… I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test isn't too hard.

Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:

What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:

How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:

What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the ques tions over, tell me your answers'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.

How about the next one?' asked St. Peter, 'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?

Twelve?, Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind. ...but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.

Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,

'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run Forrest, run.'

 

[Mel]

Can you tell me God's first name'?
'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,
'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run Forrest, run.'

And I always thought God's first name was Howard. "Our Father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name....."

 

[Uncle Charlie]

If we're on the subject of bible jokes...

Did you know that if your dad won't give you the car keys, he hates you? Proverbs 13:24. "He who spareth the rod, hateth his son."

 

[CompTrex]

And God loves baseball: Genesis 1:1 "In the big inning..."

 

[Ty]

Japanese Ninjas... What if every country has ninjas and the only reason we know of Japanese ninjas is because they are so bad at being Ninjas?

 

[Coss]

This one is ehhh .....

The inhabitants of Timbuktu usually ask tourists coming to visit their town to make a rhyme with "Timbuktu".
One day a couple of tourists had arrived, an old man, dressed completely in black and a young man, dressed like a globetrotter.

The two men were informed about their specific wish and then the Timbuktu people addressed the old man first. "Do you think you could do that?"

He thought for a while, and then he began, "I was a priest for all my life, have no children, have no wife - I read the bible through and through, on my way to Timbuktu!"

The Timbuktu people were enchanted.
They turn to the young man, "Do you think you could do that too?"


His answer was, "I will at least try. Here goes... When Tim and I to Melbourne went, we met three ladies in a tent.
But they were three and we were two, so I took one and Tim booked two."

I warned you it was ehhhhhhhhhh .....................

 

[Coss]

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66.
He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.
The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Americans, too!"

 

[gottemfeathers]

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

 

[Coss]

A young model is engaged to a ninety-year-old ship tycoon.
In preparation for the wedding reception she tells the caretaker that the festivities must have a football theme.

“Football theme,” the caretaker asks, “Why?”

“Well,” the woman replies, “I’m hoping he’s going to kick off soon.”

 

[Doug McDow]