Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him.
He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear.
Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out.
All right she said, "Let's get you to the hospital."

As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, "Where are you and dad going?" The mother then explained what happened. The boyfriend then asked if he could try to dislodge it.

The boyfriend then stuck two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow.
The father blew and out popped the beer nut.
The mother then asked the father, "Our daughter's boyfriend is intelligent, what do you think he'll be when he grows up?"


The father replied, "By the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."

 

[Coss]

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”

 

[Coss]

Early one morning, a rookie cop was on radar duty under a bridge.
He observed a red Corvette traveling at a ridiculous speed.
Upon pulling the car over he asked the driver, " What's the hurry, Buddy?"

The driver calmly replied, " I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah, what exactly do you do?" asked the cop.

"I’m a Rectum Stretcher," the driver says. "I stick one finger in the rectum, wriggle it around, and then when it's stretched large enough I move on to two fingers and so on until I make the rectum about 6 feet."

"What the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass?” the cop inquired.

"Well, apparently you give him a radar gun and tell him to hide under a bridge..."

 

[Coss]

A woman walks into a bank, goes up to the teller, and says, “I want to open a fucking savings account!”

The teller blinks and says, “Excuse me?”

“I said,” the woman began, “I want to open a fucking savings account!”

“You are very rude,” says the teller.
“There is no need to use that kind of language."

With that, the teller goes and gets the bank manager.
The bank manager comes back with the teller and asks the woman, “What seems to be the problem?”

“Look,” the woman says, “I just won the lottery for ten million dollars and I just want to open up a fucking savings account!”


The manager looks at the teller and then at the woman and says, “And this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

 

[Mel]

On an outing to the Zoo, the teacher asks the students, "Does anyone know what kind of animal this is?"
Little Johnny steps up and states, "Of course, it's a freekin' lion." The teacher says, "Johnny, watch your language."
"I'm sorry Mrs. Jones, but that's what the sign says. Look right there." Mrs. Jones then looks at the sign which says, "African Lion".

 

[Coss]

A young cowboy walks into a seedy café in Laramie, Wyoming.
He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead. Have at it."

Eagerly, the young cowboy slides the bowl over and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was so shocking he immediately loses his meal.


The old cowboy tightens his lips and says, "Yep, that's about as far as I got, too."

 

[Uncle Charlie]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
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Christopher Walken

 

[Mel]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
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Christopher Walken

Sorry, but that's not funny!

 

[Frim]

Sorry, but that's not funny!

I agree. Not funny

 

[Coss]

What did the dumb blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?

"Oh look! Donut Seeds!"

How's that one?