Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[gottemfeathers]

Bob walked into a bar around 5:58 PM.

He sat down next to a very attractive blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 6 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I reckon he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

The blonde placed her money on the bar, and kept watching the scene on the TV. The guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.......

 

[Doug McDow]

 

[Coss]

Sounds like me ...... sigh ....

 

[gottemfeathers]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind Of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at The blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

 

[Coss]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married.
One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina.
That’s how you get a baby, honey.”
The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth.

What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

 

[Coss]

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday.
My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday.
My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!"
I felt so special.

She asked me out for lunch.
After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.

We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"
"Okay," I said.

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

 

[Coss]

The pharmacist comes to in to the drugstore to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
He approaches the clerk and asks, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says the man came in earlier to get something for his cough.
And since she could not find the cough syrup, she gave him a bottle of laxative.

The horrified pharmacist shouts, “You idiot!"
"You can’t treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!”
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The clerk calmly responds, “Of course you can. Look at him, he's afraid to cough.”

 

[3wheelin]

The pharmacist comes to in to the drugstore to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
He approaches the clerk and asks, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says the man came in earlier to get something for his cough.
And since she could not find the cough syrup, she gave him a bottle of laxative.

The horrified pharmacist shouts, “You idiot!"
"You can’t treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!”
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The clerk calmly responds, “Of course you can. Look at him, he's afraid to cough.”

Keep the jokes coming Coss and everybody! This is my go-to now when I chime in and there's nothing no good read about our ELIO. Makes my day!

 

[Coss]

Glad we can be of help, Happy New Year!!

 

[Ty]

Love is supposed to be unconditional. Wife kissed me this morning before brushing her teeth. I could have sworn someone had their feet in my face. Damn, woman. Have a tic tac. A tic tac with a motor!


--this was from a comedian I saw on TV yesterday and in no way reflects my actual relationship with my wife. Right, honey?