Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Johnny Acree]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began pestering him. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

 

[Coss]

A dumb blonde girl suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
Unexpectedly one late evening she goes to his place, opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Overcome by grief, she opens her purse takes out the gun, and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No Honey, don’t do it!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

 

[Coss]

One of the attendants on my flight was a gay and flamboyant young man.
He seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came walking down the aisle and told us that, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super!"

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and foreign woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to please raise your tray, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which he attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

 

[Coss]

A man is standing in front of the judge, asking for a divorce.
The judge says to him, “All right, sir, please explain to me why you want a divorce.”

“Because,” says the man, “I live in a two-story house.”

“You live in a two-story house?” says the judge.
“What kind of a reason is that for a divorce?”

“Well," says the man, “one story is, ‘I’ve got a headache’ and the other story is, ‘It’s that time on the month.’”


<wimp, I've earned my Red Wings more than once >

 

[Coss]

A young married woman and an older married woman sitting together on a train from Boston to New York.
As sometimes happens with strangers in such an environment, they began to discuss highly personal matters.

As they were passing through Hartford, the younger woman spoke up thoughtfully, “Tell me, do you and your husband have mutual orgasms?”

“No,” replied the older lady, “I think we have State Farm.”

 

[Ty]

I can't wait to get my Elio. I also want a DeLorean though. I'd drive my Elio to work every day but I'd drive the DeLorean from time to time.

 

[Mel]

I can't wait to get my Elio. I also want a DeLorean though. I'd drive my Elio to work every day but I'd drive the DeLorean from time to time.

Where is that "GROAN" button when you need it?

 

[Johnny Acree]

I know, you would drive the delorean every day, but it only runs from time to time.

 

[Coss]

I can't wait to get my Elio. I also want a DeLorean though. I'd drive my Elio to work every day but I'd drive the DeLorean from time to time.

And so I don't get it. This is the joke thread, and I didn't get your joke Ty. That sounded like you forgot to include the punch line, or something.

 

[W. WIllie]

"time to time" is the punch line. Did your GROAN button break?