Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Doug McDow]

A woman walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist that she wants some cyanide . The pharmacist says, why do you need cyanide? She says I want to kill my husband. The pharmacist says I can't sell you cyanide. So She takes out a picture of her husband and the pharmacist's wife making love. The pharmacist says( why didn't you tell me that you had a prescription)!

 

[Coss]

The teacher was very impressed with Timmy's answer to her question so she told him to come up to the front of the class, close his eyes and hold out his hands for a surprise.
"But first," she said, "You have to guess what it is."

"A toy?"

"No."

"A new pencil?"

"No," said the teacher as she held the Hershey's kiss right above his opened hands.
"Let me give you a hint. It's something your dad asks you mom for every day before he leaves for work."

"Don't touch it, Timmy!" yells little Johnny. "It's a piece of ass!"

 

[Hootersnoocher]

A Marine walks into the head, goes up to the urinal beside a sailor........the sailor finishes and proceeds to exit, the Marine says "Hey! in the Marines they teach us to wash our hands afterwards" the sailor replies "in the Navy the teach us not to pee on our hands"

It's the other way around, Marines don't piss on their hands, it corrodes the trigger guard

 

[Coss]

A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, ''I can count higher than all the kids in my second grade class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?''

Her mother replied, ''Of course it is, dear.''

The next day, the blonde said, ''I can say the alphabet higher than anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?''

Her mother replied, ''Of course it is dear!''

The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, ''I have a larger chest than all the kids in my class, do you think it's because I am a blonde?''

Her mother replied, ''No dear, I think it is because you are eighteen years old."

 

[Coss]

Big Bob, a strapping lad standing 6ft 5 went to his doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem.
But if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise me, and I mean it, not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.
And you're a mighty big fellow for anyone to be laughing at!"

"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had seen in all his years.
Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said.
"I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it absolutely will not happen again. Ever."
"Now what seems to be the problem?"

"Isn't it obvious Doc, it's swollen!"

 

[Hootersnoocher]

You may not know this, but I live in a very open, progressive, and welcoming community. Recently a nice older lesbian couple had bought a home and went about remodeling the interior. The result was beautiful, all tongue in groove, without a stud in sight. Please no boo's.

 

[Coss]

You may not know this, but I live in a very open, progressive, and welcoming community. Recently a nice older lesbian couple had bought a home and went about remodeling the interior. The result was beautiful, all tongue in groove, without a stud in sight. Please no boo's.

How about groans?

 

[Hootersnoocher]

Wow, for me that's like two thumbs up with a big toe! Hope I have the right envelope, Fay!

 

[Coss]

Q: Why do men give first names to their penises?

A: They want to be on a first-name basis with the one that makes all the decisions for them.

 

[Mel]

Q: Why do men give first names to their penises?

A: They want to be on a first-name basis with the one that makes all the decisions for them.

The Lord blessed us with 2 fantastic organs with which to run our lives. Unfortunately he only gave us enough blood to operate one of them at a time!