Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

To go along with that last one....

Stop and think…

When the pilgrims landed in this country, if they had shot a wildcat instead of a turkey, we would all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving!

Or ...

How do you know your family is dysfunctional?

If Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roasted turkey! ......................................................................

 

[hawg_ryder]

jus one more...

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[hawg_ryder]

A question for the ages...

What do mechanics and lesbians have in common?
....
....
....
Snap-on tools! ...


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[Coss]

Ok, in the vein of bad jokes.....

There is a hot dog, a cucumber, and a dick. The hot dog said, "My life is very bad. People put catsup, mustard, and relish and then they eat me."

Then the cucumber said, "My life is worse. People chop me up put me in dill brine and pickle me."

Then the dick said, "My life is the worst ever!
They shove me into a plastic tube, put me in a tunnel and make me do jumping-jacks until I puke." .

 

[hawg_ryder]

Ok, in the vein of bad jokes.....

There is a hot dog, a cucumber, and a dick. The hot dog said, "My life is very bad. People put catsup, mustard, and relish and then they eat me."

Then the cucumber said, "My life is worse. People chop me up put me in dill brine and pickle me."

Then the dick said, "My life is the worst ever!
They shove me into a plastic tube, put me in a tunnel and make me do jumping-jacks until I puke." .

Ok here we go, down the rabbit hole!

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[hawg_ryder]

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[Coss]

OWWWWWwwwwwwwww wait, those were funny <heheheheheehehhehehe>

That white cat looks like the one I had that is gone now (crossed the Rainbow Bridge), but he would have loved it.
And it sounds like him.......

 

[Coss]

Ok, my turn:

A young teacher was giving her six-year-old class a lesson about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class.

She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "Oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.

"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm.

Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "At our house, we have everything."

"Don’t be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."

"We do," he answered, "My Daddy said so the other day."

"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.

"Well, my sister came home with her boyfriend, and told Dad that she was pregnant. That’s when my Dad said, "God, that’s all we needed!"

 

[hawg_ryder]

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[hawg_ryder]

YOU MIGHT BE A TEXAN IF..........
1. You can properly pronounce Corsicana, Palestine, Decatur, Wichita Falls, Mexia, Waco, Beaumont, Pflugerville, Kerrville, Boerne, New Braunfels, Amarillo, Pedernales and Leakey!!
2. Your manners include: "Please", "Thank You", "Excuse me", "Ma'am" & "Sir" & you wanna punch those who don't use them.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to put the stuff out in the yard you wanna get rid of.
4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
5. You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C”, TWICE in the same day.
6. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
7. Stores don’t have bags, they have sacks.
8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals, with the utmost respect!
9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
10. You measure distance in minutes or hours.
11. You hear & use the term "fixin' to" daily.
12. You know that the Chicken Ranch didn’t really raise chickens.
13. Little Smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.
14. You go to the lake because you know what a Bigmouth and a Striper is.
15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
17. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan a wedding date.
18. You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist.
19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.
20. You know that “Damnyankee” is one word.
21. You aren’t surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store... & it's a Drive-thru.
22. You always have iced tea & cold beer available for guests.
23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 diesel 4x4 is.
24. You know everything goes better with Ranch dressing or hot sauce.
25. You learned how to shoot a gun as soon as you can walk.
26. You actually like these jokes and are fixin’ to send them to your friends.
27. You know not to order a chicken fried steak using words like “rare” or “well done”.
28. You never use the word “veggies”.
29. You know where the Cotton Bowl is.
30. You are 100% Texan if you've EVER heard this conversation:
“You wanna coke?”
“Yeah.”
“What kind?”
“Dr. Pepper.”



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