Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Mel]

YOU MIGHT BE A TEXAN IF..........
1. You can properly pronounce Corsicana, Palestine, Decatur, Wichita Falls, Mexia, Waco, Beaumont, Pflugerville, Kerrville, Boerne, New Braunfels, Amarillo, Pedernales and Leakey!!
2. Your manners include: "Please", "Thank You", "Excuse me", "Ma'am" & "Sir" & you wanna punch those who don't use them.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to put the stuff out in the yard you wanna get rid of.
4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
5. You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C”, TWICE in the same day.
6. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
7. Stores don’t have bags, they have sacks.
8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals, with the utmost respect!
9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
10. You measure distance in minutes or hours.
11. You hear & use the term "fixin' to" daily.
12. You know that the Chicken Ranch didn’t really raise chickens.
13. Little Smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.
14. You go to the lake because you know what a Bigmouth and a Striper is.
15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
17. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan a wedding date.
18. You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist.
19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.
20. You know that “Damnyankee” is one word.
21. You aren’t surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store... & it's a Drive-thru.
22. You always have iced tea & cold beer available for guests.
23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 diesel 4x4 is.
24. You know everything goes better with Ranch dressing or hot sauce.
25. You learned how to shoot a gun as soon as you can walk.
26. You actually like these jokes and are fixin’ to send them to your friends.
27. You know not to order a chicken fried steak using words like “rare” or “well done”.
28. You never use the word “veggies”.
29. You know where the Cotton Bowl is.
30. You are 100% Texan if you've EVER heard this conversation:
“You wanna coke?”
“Yeah.”
“What kind?”
“Dr. Pepper.”



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Fortunately I can identfy with all of these!

 

[hawg_ryder]

WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!!!
Bubba had shingles.
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'


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[hawg_ryder]

Life is good!

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[Coss]

A young woman marches into her doctors office and slams her prescription of birth control pills on his desk.

The doctor asks, "What's wrong?"

"These things don't work!" replied the lady.

"Why not?" asked the doctor.

"They keep falling out!" ............................................................................

 

[hawg_ryder]

A young woman marches into her doctors office and slams her prescription of birth control pills on his desk.

The doctor asks, "What's wrong?"

"These things don't work!" replied the lady.

"Why not?" asked the doctor.

"They keep falling out!" ............................................................................

Young BLONDE woman!

 

[hawg_ryder]

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[hawg_ryder]

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[hawg_ryder]

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[hawg_ryder]

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[Coss]

You don't have my weather, must be someone from some where else.
Or you can just stick a sign on it, "Free to a Shitty Home"..................................................................