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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
champsman
Elio Addict
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School.
Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years.
If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us
are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
'You're pitching Tuesday.'
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School.
Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years.
If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us
are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
'You're pitching Tuesday.'
champsman
Elio Addict
Small Town Emergency
The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian.
One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated
voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"
"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the
wife asked. "Both!" was the reply.
"We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in
it."
The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian.
One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated
voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"
"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the
wife asked. "Both!" was the reply.
"We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in
it."
champsman
Elio Addict
Confucius Say....
Kiss is merely shopping upstairs,
For merchandise downstairs.
Confucius Say.
Better to lose a lover
Than love a loser.
Confucius Say.
Man with broken condom
Often called Daddy
Confucius Say.
Sex is same as bank account.
You put it in, you take it out....you lose interest.
Confucius Say.
Viagra just like Disneyland ...
One hour wait for 5 minute ride.
Confucius Say.
Much better to want the mate you do not have
Than to have the mate you do not want.
Confucius Say.
Joke is like sex.
Neither any good if you don't get it.
Kiss is merely shopping upstairs,
For merchandise downstairs.
Confucius Say.
Better to lose a lover
Than love a loser.
Confucius Say.
Man with broken condom
Often called Daddy
Confucius Say.
Sex is same as bank account.
You put it in, you take it out....you lose interest.
Confucius Say.
Viagra just like Disneyland ...
One hour wait for 5 minute ride.
Confucius Say.
Much better to want the mate you do not have
Than to have the mate you do not want.
Confucius Say.
Joke is like sex.
Neither any good if you don't get it.
champsman
Elio Addict
An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"
The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"
The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."
The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard
The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"
The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"
The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."
The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard
Bamdalam
Elio Addict
This found its way into my morning inbox..
In case you haven't seen these before...
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again
invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter
it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and
supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a
house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an
indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both
stupid and an a$$hole.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax
refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to
start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as
a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding
stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The
bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking
down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about
yourself for the purpose of getting L41d..
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted
very, very high
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author
of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee
intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease.
(This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when
everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of
getting through the day consuming only things that are good
for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas
to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic
dance performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a
mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in
the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn
after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning
submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are
asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one
coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering
how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever
having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while
drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the
door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks
up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an
exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing
adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his
conversation with Yiddishisms. W
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after
death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck
there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of
boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
In case you haven't seen these before...
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again
invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter
it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and
supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a
house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an
indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both
stupid and an a$$hole.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax
refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to
start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as
a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding
stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The
bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking
down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about
yourself for the purpose of getting L41d..
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted
very, very high
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author
of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee
intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease.
(This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when
everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of
getting through the day consuming only things that are good
for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas
to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic
dance performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a
mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in
the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn
after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning
submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are
asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one
coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering
how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever
having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while
drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the
door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks
up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an
exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing
adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his
conversation with Yiddishisms. W
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after
death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck
there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of
boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
Going Under
A blonde visited the bank to close her account because she was convinced the institution was going under.
When asked by a shocked manager why she thought so, she produced one of her checks, endorsed by the bank, “Insufficient funds.”
A blonde visited the bank to close her account because she was convinced the institution was going under.
When asked by a shocked manager why she thought so, she produced one of her checks, endorsed by the bank, “Insufficient funds.”
Fast Food
You might be a redneck if you think hitting a deer at 65mph is fast food.
You might be a redneck if you think hitting a deer at 65mph is fast food.
A F***ing bank account
A woman walks into a bank, goes up to the teller, and says, “ I want to open a f***ing savings account!”
The teller blinks and says, “Excuse me?”
“I said,” the woman, says, “I want to open a f***ing savings account!”
“You are very rude,” says the teller.
“There is no need to use that kind of language.
With that, she goes and gets the bank manager.
The bank manager comes back with the teller and asks the woman, “What seems to be the problem?”
“Look,” the woman says, “I just won the lottery for ten million dollars and I just want to open up a f***ing savings account!”
The manager looks at the teller and then at the woman and says, “And this bitch is giving you a hard time?
A woman walks into a bank, goes up to the teller, and says, “ I want to open a f***ing savings account!”
The teller blinks and says, “Excuse me?”
“I said,” the woman, says, “I want to open a f***ing savings account!”
“You are very rude,” says the teller.
“There is no need to use that kind of language.
With that, she goes and gets the bank manager.
The bank manager comes back with the teller and asks the woman, “What seems to be the problem?”
“Look,” the woman says, “I just won the lottery for ten million dollars and I just want to open up a f***ing savings account!”
The manager looks at the teller and then at the woman and says, “And this bitch is giving you a hard time?
champsman
Elio Addict
A young lawyer, just out of Law School, was pleading his first
case in South Carolina.
A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was
trying to impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury.
"Yes, Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four pigs.
Imagine, twenty-four pigs. Twice the number there are in the
jury box."
case in South Carolina.
A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was
trying to impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury.
"Yes, Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four pigs.
Imagine, twenty-four pigs. Twice the number there are in the
jury box."