Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[bowers baldwin]

I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.
I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.
I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.
I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal.
I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.
I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.
I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.
I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.
I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.
I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.
I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.
I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I was canned because I couldn't concentrate.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.
I used to be a road digger, but I got re-trenched.
I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.
I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.
I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.
I used to be a taxi driver, but found I couldn't hack it.
I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.
I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.
I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.
I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.
I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.
I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.
I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.
I thought becoming a candle maker, but I wasn't sure wick end was up.
I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.

 

[Ekh]

I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.
I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.
I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.
I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal.
I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.
I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.
I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.
I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.
I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.
I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.
I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.
I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I was canned because I couldn't concentrate.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.
I used to be a road digger, but I got re-trenched.
I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.
I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.
I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.
I used to be a taxi driver, but found I couldn't hack it.
I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.
I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.
I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.
I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.
I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.
I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.
I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.
I thought becoming a candle maker, but I wasn't sure wick end was up.
I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.

I used to be a photographer. I had an assistant named Iris, but she just didn't click. I shuttered at her work; I tried to develop her, but when that didn't work stopped down her pay, then pushed her out the door. She just couldn't focus on her work, just a flash in the pan. Now I shutter to think I ever hired her.

 

[Ty]

... I'm trying to figure out who is worse....

 

[Coss]

I used to be a photographer. I had an assistant named Iris, but she just didn't click. I shuttered at her work; I tried to develop her, but when that didn't work stopped down her pay, then pushed her out the door. She just couldn't focus on her work, just a flash in the pan. Now I shutter to think I ever hired her.

Good one Ekh

 

[Frim]

... and now there are 4 new Elements... I heard something about 7 rows. That's a lot of seats!


..................... for people not following along, there are 4 elements that have just been added to the periodic table which now complete the 7th row of the table. They don't have official names yet.

I didn't know that. Now I have got to learn why it is important.

 

[Coss]

I didn't know that. Now I have got to learn why it is important.

It's not; it was part of the typical Elio Owners Drift; changing the subject to seats in a Honda was a move to put it back on course.
So now, back to our original topic:


A blonde and a brunet are getting in the elevator, along comes this really hot guy. The girls noticed he has a really bad dandruff problem. The brunet whispers to the blonde, "Someone should give him head and shoulders", and the blonde says, "How do you give shoulders.

 

[Coss]

An old lady walks in a dinner and seats where she can see the cook, and asks the waiter for a hamburger.
He says "ok, hamburger."
The old lady sees the cook stick the hamburger meat under his arm and slaps it on the grill.
The old lady says,"Oh my God that is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!"
The waiter says, “That’s nothing you should see how he makes Donuts.

 

[Coss]

How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

************************************************

When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

 

[Frim]

How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

************************************************

When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

A retired lawyer and retired farmer were seated side by side on a cruise ship. The lawyer explained that a fire had burn out his offices. He had taken the insurance money and retired. The farmer explained that a two-year drought had bankrupted him so he took the federal insurance money and retired. After a few moments, the lawyer asked, “How do you start a drought?”

 

[ross]

It's not; it was part of the typical Elio Owners Drift; changing the subject to seats in a Honda was a move to put it back on course.
So now, back to our original topic:


A blonde and a brunet are getting in the elevator, along comes this really hot guy. The girls noticed he has a really bad dandruff problem. The brunet whispers to the blonde, "Someone should give him head and shoulders", and the blonde says, "How do you give shoulders.

A guy gets on an elevator with a really hot lady he asks her "can I smell your pussy?" she says "hell no" he says "Than it must be your feet."