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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
35 years of service
After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood, the mailman was going to retire. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!
When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
'All of this was just too wonderful for words', he said; 'But what's the dollar for'?
'Well', she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; 'Screw him. Give him a dollar'. 'The breakfast was my idea!!'
After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood, the mailman was going to retire. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!
When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
'All of this was just too wonderful for words', he said; 'But what's the dollar for'?
'Well', she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; 'Screw him. Give him a dollar'. 'The breakfast was my idea!!'
With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you all about drinking and driving after a "social session" with friends.
Well, this past Friday, I was out celebrating a co-workers retirement and the upcoming holiday season. I had a few cocktails, followed by a handful of glasses of vintage red wine. Despite the jolliness, I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police road block on the highway but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was both a great relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it from and, now that it is in the garage, I don't know what to do with it.
A blessed Christmas to all!
Well, this past Friday, I was out celebrating a co-workers retirement and the upcoming holiday season. I had a few cocktails, followed by a handful of glasses of vintage red wine. Despite the jolliness, I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police road block on the highway but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was both a great relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it from and, now that it is in the garage, I don't know what to do with it.
A blessed Christmas to all!
larryboy
Elio Addict
Very few lawyers like Viagra. They find that it just makes them taller. Ba Dum
champsman
Elio Addict
Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester.
There were protesters at the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America.
I politely declined to take one. There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"
The old woman looked up at her and said: "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so a bitch like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."
There were protesters at the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America.
I politely declined to take one. There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"
The old woman looked up at her and said: "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so a bitch like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."
champsman
Elio Addict
Nothing like a Ford Truck
New Truck built by a company we didn't bail out...
I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck
Go figure - it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
I returned it to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'
I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck ,
But I swerved in time to avoid him.
I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with,
Ladies and gentlemen,
The President of The
United States
Damn I love this truck!!!
RUCRAYZE
Elio Addict
well, it's XI:XLVII, time to turn in,
anyone who loves Roman #'s, notice that this upcoming Super Bowl, they went with "50", as I guess 'cause it would look silly with just "L", then again folks don't get it anyway. Do you think the MMXVII game will be " LI " :-)
anyone who loves Roman #'s, notice that this upcoming Super Bowl, they went with "50", as I guess 'cause it would look silly with just "L", then again folks don't get it anyway. Do you think the MMXVII game will be " LI " :-)
Ty
Elio Addict
Yeah, next year - "Super bowl LI, the Lithium bowl!" I tell that joke or at least some element of it and periodically, someone sitting at my table gets it. (Three free puns right there, folks!)
RUCRAYZE
Elio Addict
