Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

A father and his son went hunting for the first time. The father said, ”Son, whatever you do don't scream.
Stay here while I go around to check the field."

About ten minutes later the father heard his son scream. The father ran over and said, "Why did you scream?"

His son said, "A skunk walked by my feet but I didn’t scream.
Then a snake was crawling around my neck, but I didn’t scream cause you told me not to.
Then two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and heard one say, 'should we eat them now or take them with us?'" .............

 

[Coss]

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away

 

[hawg_ryder]

Heads Up... Ya'll

CAUTION:
In regard to all the people wanting to move here from New York, California, and other heavily populated cities across the country, as well as those wanting to visit.
Before you come to Texas to visit, you must be aware of what is happening here. There's a housing shortage, rent has tripled, and folks are moving and vacationing here in record numbers...
So, if you plan on moving here, or just plan on camping / glamping in our woods, river bottoms, or lakes this summer, I think you should know that wolf spiders, fire ants, and bedbugs have infested hotels and motels across the area due to our typical bipolar weather activity.
The woods will eat you alive with ticks and chiggers.
Our lakes are full of gators, snapping turtles, freshwater sharks, and creepy old guys wearing speedos.
Our rivers are full of drunks in tubes peeing themselves while the banjo players lay waiting in the nearby bushes.
Mountain lions and bobcats have eaten many domesticated animals and possibly some small children.
The local brown bear and coyote population are all 'in heat' and think your wife / girlfriend is hot.
Snakes! Don't even get me started on the water headed copper moccasins and the diamond back rattle Cobras that are native here.
The poison ivy, poison oak, and sumac have overtaken all other vegetation.
We’ve had black bear sightings at every park and town; they’re after your picnic baskets. Additionally, some cougars have been spotted in motel rooms.
Watch out for the jackalopes and Chupacabra, also—they have been extremely aggressive this season.
We have Bigfoot invading our parks, and it’s their mating season. They think your husband / boyfriend is hot.
Porcupines are "stabbing" small children should they dare to utilize the local playground equipment.
Skunks have made their way over and multiplied at unprecedented rates; they continue to wander the local campgrounds in packs looking for beer.
Murder hornets and killer bees!?! We’ve got great black clouds of murder hornets and bees, and swarms of giant crickets, and even some Alabama grasshoppers that have migrated here due to the incest problems in their native environment.
Scorpions have been congregating in massive quantities under rocks, logs, wooden steps, and automobiles, and tarantulas are now stealing peoples food and biting like crazy.
I’m pretty sure all private tiger owners (we had a jump in them after Tiger King) have released their cats into the streets of our cities and towns.
Head lice now fly, and we have vampire bats. You should also be advised that the honey badgers, in fact DNGAF, and will chase you down.
Oh! One final point—no one is vaccinated! We are after all Neanderthals..
Come at your own risk!




_hr

 

[3wheelin]

Heads Up... Ya'll

CAUTION:
In regard to all the people wanting to move here from New York, California, and other heavily populated cities across the country, as well as those wanting to visit.
Before you come to Texas to visit, you must be aware of what is happening here. There's a housing shortage, rent has tripled, and folks are moving and vacationing here in record numbers...
So, if you plan on moving here, or just plan on camping / glamping in our woods, river bottoms, or lakes this summer, I think you should know that wolf spiders, fire ants, and bedbugs have infested hotels and motels across the area due to our typical bipolar weather activity.
The woods will eat you alive with ticks and chiggers.
Our lakes are full of gators, snapping turtles, freshwater sharks, and creepy old guys wearing speedos.
Our rivers are full of drunks in tubes peeing themselves while the banjo players lay waiting in the nearby bushes.
Mountain lions and bobcats have eaten many domesticated animals and possibly some small children.
The local brown bear and coyote population are all 'in heat' and think your wife / girlfriend is hot.
Snakes! Don't even get me started on the water headed copper moccasins and the diamond back rattle Cobras that are native here.
The poison ivy, poison oak, and sumac have overtaken all other vegetation.
We’ve had black bear sightings at every park and town; they’re after your picnic baskets. Additionally, some cougars have been spotted in motel rooms.
Watch out for the jackalopes and Chupacabra, also—they have been extremely aggressive this season.
We have Bigfoot invading our parks, and it’s their mating season. They think your husband / boyfriend is hot.
Porcupines are "stabbing" small children should they dare to utilize the local playground equipment.
Skunks have made their way over and multiplied at unprecedented rates; they continue to wander the local campgrounds in packs looking for beer.
Murder hornets and killer bees!?! We’ve got great black clouds of murder hornets and bees, and swarms of giant crickets, and even some Alabama grasshoppers that have migrated here due to the incest problems in their native environment.
Scorpions have been congregating in massive quantities under rocks, logs, wooden steps, and automobiles, and tarantulas are now stealing peoples food and biting like crazy.
I’m pretty sure all private tiger owners (we had a jump in them after Tiger King) have released their cats into the streets of our cities and towns.
Head lice now fly, and we have vampire bats. You should also be advised that the honey badgers, in fact DNGAF, and will chase you down.
Oh! One final point—no one is vaccinated! We are after all Neanderthals..
Come at your own risk!




_hr

That all??? Sounds fun if you made it this far.....

 

[Made in USA]

Heads Up... Ya'll

CAUTION:
In regard to all the people wanting to move here from New York, California, and other heavily populated cities across the country, as well as those wanting to visit.
Before you come to Texas to visit, you must be aware of what is happening here. There's a housing shortage, rent has tripled, and folks are moving and vacationing here in record numbers...
So, if you plan on moving here, or just plan on camping / glamping in our woods, river bottoms, or lakes this summer, I think you should know that wolf spiders, fire ants, and bedbugs have infested hotels and motels across the area due to our typical bipolar weather activity.
The woods will eat you alive with ticks and chiggers.
Our lakes are full of gators, snapping turtles, freshwater sharks, and creepy old guys wearing speedos.
Our rivers are full of drunks in tubes peeing themselves while the banjo players lay waiting in the nearby bushes.
Mountain lions and bobcats have eaten many domesticated animals and possibly some small children.
The local brown bear and coyote population are all 'in heat' and think your wife / girlfriend is hot.
Snakes! Don't even get me started on the water headed copper moccasins and the diamond back rattle Cobras that are native here.
The poison ivy, poison oak, and sumac have overtaken all other vegetation.
We’ve had black bear sightings at every park and town; they’re after your picnic baskets. Additionally, some cougars have been spotted in motel rooms.
Watch out for the jackalopes and Chupacabra, also—they have been extremely aggressive this season.
We have Bigfoot invading our parks, and it’s their mating season. They think your husband / boyfriend is hot.
Porcupines are "stabbing" small children should they dare to utilize the local playground equipment.
Skunks have made their way over and multiplied at unprecedented rates; they continue to wander the local campgrounds in packs looking for beer.
Murder hornets and killer bees!?! We’ve got great black clouds of murder hornets and bees, and swarms of giant crickets, and even some Alabama grasshoppers that have migrated here due to the incest problems in their native environment.
Scorpions have been congregating in massive quantities under rocks, logs, wooden steps, and automobiles, and tarantulas are now stealing peoples food and biting like crazy.
I’m pretty sure all private tiger owners (we had a jump in them after Tiger King) have released their cats into the streets of our cities and towns.
Head lice now fly, and we have vampire bats. You should also be advised that the honey badgers, in fact DNGAF, and will chase you down.
Oh! One final point—no one is vaccinated! We are after all Neanderthals..
Come at your own risk!




_hr

I think you forgot the aliens landing in their saucers doing experiments on humans. Not to mention the troglodytes and trolls. Fortunately you've at least knocked down the numbers of gargoyles and giant man-eating worms.

 

[JK]

God received word that the United States had turned into an extremely decadent and sinful place. Concerned, but also extremely busy, He sent His most trusted aide, Mother Teresa, to check things out. His instructions were clear and simple: Visit each of America's large cities and report the findings back to heaven.
Soon the reports started flowing in. The hookers and muggers had taken over New York City. Boston was now filled with rapists. Atlanta and New Orleans were overflowing with drunks and S&M freaks. Chicago had every kind of sexual deviant known to man, and San Francisco was just too disgusting to even talk about.
Mother Teresa's final stop was Los Angeles. Three week went by without God hearing from her. Very worried, He decided to give her a call.
"Like, wow, man. This is Terri," said a mellow voice over an answering machine.
"I'm not home right now, but if you'd like to share your thoughts ...."

 

[hawg_ryder]

....


_hr

 

[Mel]

The cave man went to Thor and said, "Hey Thor, I have a new animal and don't know what to name it."

Thor asked, "What is it's dominate characteristic?"

Cave Man, "It eats ants."

Thor, "Well, therein lies it's name."

Cave Man, "Of course. Why didn't I think of that. It's an eat-anter!"

 

[Coss]

Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly…

… changed regularly and for the same reason too! .............................

 

[Coss]

Three guys are at the water cooler talking about their dates the previous night.
Paul insists, “My date must be a nurse, because she said, ‘Lie back and relax. This won't hurt a bit.'"

Neil concludes that his girl must be a schoolteacher, because she said, “Do it over and over until you get it right.”

Tom figures that his date must be a flight attendant, because she said,
“Put this over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe normally.” ........................................