hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
Riddle me this....
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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
It was the foreigner’s first time at a baseball game. His friend cheered wildly each time a batter came to the plate,
and after a while the foreigner cheered as well.
After Vinnie DiFate had had his turn at bat, the foreigner shouted, “Run, Vinnie, run!”
“No,” his friend said, “Vinnie has four balls, so he walks.”
Eyes wide, the foreigner yelled, “Walk tall, Vinnie! Walk tall!” ............................
............
.................
and after a while the foreigner cheered as well.
After Vinnie DiFate had had his turn at bat, the foreigner shouted, “Run, Vinnie, run!”
“No,” his friend said, “Vinnie has four balls, so he walks.”
Eyes wide, the foreigner yelled, “Walk tall, Vinnie! Walk tall!” ..............
...........................................
A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.
1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin.
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly.
She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the outhouse door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."
She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5." ...............
1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin.
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly.
She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the outhouse door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."
She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5." .........
......
I got a 'talking' parrot, but it wouldn't talk.
Get a mirror said my friend, it will see itself, think it's another bird and talk to it.
Nothing, not a word.
Get a bell said my friend, it will hear the noise and it will talk back to the noise.
Nothing, not a word.
Get a ladder said my friend, it will walk up and down the ladder, and the activity will make it talk.
Nothing, not a word.
My friend asked me how things were with the parrot, and I had to sadly mention that it died, but had finally said a word as it passed ...
"food"......
Get a mirror said my friend, it will see itself, think it's another bird and talk to it.
Nothing, not a word.
Get a bell said my friend, it will hear the noise and it will talk back to the noise.
Nothing, not a word.
Get a ladder said my friend, it will walk up and down the ladder, and the activity will make it talk.
Nothing, not a word.
My friend asked me how things were with the parrot, and I had to sadly mention that it died, but had finally said a word as it passed ...
"food"......
A man and a woman are having some drinks and they get into a discussion about who enjoys sex more.
The man says, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”
“That does not prove anything,” says the woman. “Think about this; when your ear itches and you put your little
finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?” ............................
The man says, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”
“That does not prove anything,” says the woman. “Think about this; when your ear itches and you put your little
finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?” ............................
"Why don’t you smile?” the teacher asked little Peter.
“I didn’t have any breakfast,” little Peter replied.
“You poor dear,” said the teacher. “But to return to our geography lesson, Peter... where is the Canadian border?”
“In bed with my Mom – that’s why I didn’t have breakfast!”
“I didn’t have any breakfast,” little Peter replied.
“You poor dear,” said the teacher. “But to return to our geography lesson, Peter... where is the Canadian border?”
“In bed with my Mom – that’s why I didn’t have breakfast!”
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
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Hmmmm probably hanging out with the part that used think everything is going to be great.
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
UK RAISES ALERT LEVEL
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent Russian threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”
Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
The Russians have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.”
The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s Get the Bastards.”
They don’t have any other levels.
This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.”
The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.”
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability. They have also started wearing their reversible coats .
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.”
Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”
Belgians on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual;
the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person
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The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent Russian threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”
Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
The Russians have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.”
The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s Get the Bastards.”
They don’t have any other levels.
This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.”
The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.”
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability. They have also started wearing their reversible coats .
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.”
Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”
Belgians on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual;
the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person
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