Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[hawg_ryder]

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell over the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
The entire congregation shouted, "Amen."




_hr

 

[hawg_ryder]

_hr

 

[Coss]

Contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t the apple on the tree that got us banished from Paradise.

It was the pair on the ground!.................................................................................

 

[Coss]

A little boy just would not learn. One day his history teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence.
He didn't know. For almost a week she never stopped asking him the same question, but still he couldn't come up with the right answer.

Finally, in desperation, the teacher called the boy's father and complained. "Your boy won't tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence.”

The father calls his son and says, "Come here, son, and sit down. Now, if you signed that goddamn thing, just admit it so we can get out of here!!!"

 

[hawg_ryder]

_hr

 

[Coss]

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name. Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin,
Advil is ibuprofen, and so on.

The FDA finally picked a generic name for Viagra and announced that it had settled on mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course, ibepokin.

 

[Coss]

Yo momma so old…

Even God calls her mother! ..........................................................................

 

[Coss]

A 90-year-old man was having his annual check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better," the old man replied. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant & delivered a child. What is your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked.

The doctor thought for a moment, then said, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for hunting. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in some brush in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle. BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. ”Someone else must have shot that lion”.

"Exactly," said the Doctor. .................................. Yeah, we've all heard it before in one form or another....

How about this one:

 

[Coss]

A man was complaining to a friend, “I had it all, money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman, everythying!
Then poof! It was all gone!”

“What happened?” asked his friend.

“My wife found out...” ................................Better?

 

[Mel]

A 90-year-old man was having his annual check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better," the old man replied. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant & delivered a child. What is your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked.
The doctor thought for a moment, then said, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for hunting. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in some brush in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle. BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. ”Someone else must have shot that lion”.
"Exactly," said the Doctor. .................................. Yeah, we've all heard it before in one form or another....
How about this one:

That's what's known as a "grudge pregnancy"........Somebody had it in for him!