Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[champsman]

This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how

he ended up this way. He said: Up until Last week, I still had it all !!!


A cook, cooked my meals, my room was cleaned,my clothes were washed, pressed,

I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym,the pool,

the library, I could still go to school. . ..


I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol,? Divorce?


Oh No, nothing like that he said. No, no ... I got out of prison.

 

[champsman]

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about
thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade." "No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh
race, but I appreciate your help.

 

[champsman]

Angus Broon of Glasgow, Scotland , comes to the little lady (his wife) of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ye be sewin on a wee button that's come off of ma fly? I canna button ma troosers."

"Och Angus, I've got ma hands in the sink, go up stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ye with it."

About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a black eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. Maggie looks at him and says, "My God Angus, what
happened tae ye? Did you ask her up the stairs like I told you?"

"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off
the wee thread, Mr MacDonald walked in."

 

[ks6c]

It was the middle of winter in Siberia, and Boris and Sergei had been enjoying their vodka all afternoon in front of a roaring fire, when Boris throws back his vodka, slams his empty glass down on the table and shouts "I KNOW 100 WAYS TO MAKE LOVE!!!"

Sergei looks at his friend, sips his vodka gently, then slowly sets his glass down on the table and quietly asks "With a woman?"

"AHHH, 101!!"

 

[Truett Collins]

An elderly Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here ...my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

 

[Coss]

Punishment in Hell

Three men died and went to hell. When they get there the devil asks the first guy why he was there and he replied "I have a drinking problem."

so the devil puts him in a room with every kind of alcohol he can imagine, then he locks the door.

He then asks the 2nd guy why he was there the guy then says, "I can't stop cheating on my wife." The devil then puts him in a room with the hottest girl ever and locks the door.

Then he asks the last guy why he was there he reply "I’m a pot smoker.” So the devil locks him in a room with lots and lots of pot.

In a hundred years the devil comes back and unlocks the first door and the guy comes out and says,” I will never drink again! "So the devil sends him to heaven.

He goes to the 2nd door and opens it and the guy comes out and says" I will never look at another woman again!" so the devil sends him to heaven.

Finally he goes to the third door and opens it and goes in and there is the pot smoker sitting there with tears coming down his face.

When devil asks him what is wrong he replies, " Hey man you got a light?"

 

[Coss]

There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride.
As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk.
The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions.
Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk.
The two decided that maybe they both should walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride.
The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so they decided that they both should ride.
They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of this story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

 

[RUCRAYZE]

There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride.
As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk.
The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions.
Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk.
The two decided that maybe they both should walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride.
The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so they decided that they both should ride.
They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of this story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

Y
You waiting for that match?

 

[Coss]

Y
You waiting for that match?

Huh? Sounds like you found a lite .....

 

[Lil4X]

A fellow dies and turns up at the gates of hell. The devil looks at his record and says, "You don't seem to be a really bad guy, I tell you what; I'll give you three choices of how you want to spend eternity."

The man stammers his thanks and winces as they reach the first of three heavy iron doors. From the other side you can hear screaming - and even feel the heat radiating through the door. "No thanks, I think I'll take my chances on another door."he says.

"That's fine", says the devil, as he leads the man to another door . . . Already the man can hear blood-curdling screams and growls of some unearthly beast . . . . "No, I think I'd like to look at that last door."

"OK, says the devil and leads the man downward to the final door. Silence. The man presses his ear to the door and can barely make out conversations on the other side. "Fine", he says, "I'll take this one."

"Be sure, see I'll even give you a look inside" says the devil as he swings the door open . . .

There seems to be an office party going on, people standing around drinking coffee, chatting, and otherwise enjoying themselves. The only thing the man notices is that everyone's standing about waist deep in manure. "Well, it stinks, but it sure beats being roasted alive or torn apart by a raging beast", he says to himself.

"So this is your choice?" says the devil . . . "Go right in and help yourself to some of our fine coffee." The man nods his approval and goes in, wading through the barnyard detritus to the coffee urn and pours a cup. "What do you know, the devil definitely makes some fine coffee!" he's thinking.

Just then a disembodied voice rings out: "Two minutes!"

Everyone starts to complain, putting down their cups and preparing for what's to come. "What do you all DO here?" asks the man. Another fellow says, "We go back to work for the next hundred years, you caught us on break . . ."

Then the disembodied voice rings out again: "Alright, time's up; everyone back on your heads!"